


Secrets, Deceptions, and Lies

by Annsabella



Series: Secrets, Deceptions, and Lies [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Dark, Death, Disturbing Themes, Drama, F/M, Harrowing, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Love, Obsession, Sex, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:46:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 37,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24964690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annsabella/pseuds/Annsabella
Summary: Captain Kathryn Janeway's memories are being chemically suppressed by her own crew. What don't they want her to remember?
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Series: Secrets, Deceptions, and Lies [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1819879
Comments: 30
Kudos: 47





	1. Chapter 1

Sitting behind the desk in her ready room, Kathryn Janeway reviewed the crew’s personnel records. It was that time again for yearly evaluations. The process was time-consuming and took at least a solid week of work if she wasn't interrupted. Chakotay would be arriving in an hour to go over them with her but had decided to start without him.

Closing out Crewman Fields file, she attempted to access the next one, but it came up blank. _"What the...?"_ She thought. Accessing the backup file in the main computer she tried again, this time it came back as encrypted. Applying a decryption algorithm, she waited. Several minutes later it came back as access denied. _"What?"_ Tapping her com. badge, she said, "Commander Tuvok, report to my ready room."

When he arrived, Janeway's expression was serious. "Do you have something you want to tell me?"

"Not that I am aware of Captain." He replied.

"Then perhaps you would care to explain how your security code was used to encrypt crew personnel files?"

Tuvok raised an eyebrow. "I am at a loss captain."

"Are you saying you don't know anything about this?" She replied skeptically. 

"That is correct, but I will conduct an investigation."

She nodded, deciding to give him the benefit of the doubt, "I want a report on my desk by fifteen-hundred hours."

"Understood."

"Dismissed," With a nod, he left.

Less than an hour later her com badge chirped. _"Doctor to Janeway."_

"What can I do for you, Doctor?"

_"I need you to report to sickbay."_

There was something in his tone she didn't like, "Is there a problem?"

There was a brief hesitation, _"I would prefer to discuss it in person."_

"I'm on my way, Janeway out."

***

Upon entering sickbay, the Doctor turned from the console to face her. "Captain, I'm glad you're here."

"What is it you wanted to dis-" As she stood looking at the Doctor, she felt something being placed to her neck, then a hissing sound. Spinning around, she saw Tuvok standing before her holding a hypospray. "Do not panic. We are only here to help you." He said.

Backing up, she felt intense drowsiness begin to overtake her. Chakotay approached holding up both hands to put her at ease. "It's all right Kathryn, just take it easy."

"That's easy for you to say." She replied continuing to back up.

All three men continued to step forward but kept a respectful distance. Her mind was shutting down and sleep was inevitable. Backing into the instrument tray, she grabbed it and slung it toward them. Tuvok put out a hand and stopped it before stepping to the side.

"Just relax, we're not going to hurt you," Chakotay said.

Backing herself into a corner she replied. "I trusted all of you. Why are you doing this to me?"

Before anyone could answer, her eyes closed, and she began to collapse. Chakotay took two steps and caught her around the waist as Tuvok stepped up. "Put her on the bio-bed." The Doctor said.

Carefully, both men placed her unconscious form on the bed. "I thought you said you had taken care of everything," Chakotay said to Tuvok.

"Apparently I was not successful in my efforts to erase the information from the computer." He replied.

"We can't keep suppressing her memories indefinitely, so I suggest you get Harry, Seven, B'Elanna, and anyone else you need to help purge the computer. I don't want this to happen again." Chakotay ordered harshly.

"Aye Commander." Turning he left.

Approaching the Doctor, he asked. "How much did she find out?"

"It's hard to know for sure, but when Mister Tuvok came to me he said that the captain had found an encrypted personnel file in the backup storage database sealed with his security code."

"I see." He replied then headed for the door.

"Commander," Chakotay turned to face him. "I told you the first time we did this that if I had to keep doing this, she could suffer permanent memory loss."

"How much would she lose."

"One, perhaps two percent."

"Do it."

"Commander-"

"Do you want to see her the way she was two months ago?" He shook his head. "Then I suggest you put your personal feelings aside and do what has to be done."

"What do you want me to tell her when she wakes up?"

"I'll think of something. Just call me when you're finished."

"Yes, Commander."

***

Slowly Janeway's eyes opened. "Welcome back." The Doctor said with a smile. "How do you feel?"

"Groggy. What happened?"

"You were injured when a power relay in Jefferies tube thirty-seven blew out," Chakotay answered.

"I don't remember." She replied rubbing her head.

"There was neural trauma and I'm afraid it caused damage to your short-term memory." The Doctor explained.

"How long was I out?"

"Nearly twenty hours," Chakotay replied and she nodded, surprised.

"You're off for the next four days." The Doctor said.

"Doctor-"

"I can always make if five."

"You win,” She replied raising her hands in defeat, “Can I get dressed now?"

"By all means."

Chakotay helped her off the bed as the Doctor headed into his office. Once she disappeared behind the privacy screen he headed after him. Speaking softly, he asked. "Well?"

"Engrammatic suppression is stable, she shouldn't remember a thing."

"What about her memory? Was there any permanent damage?"

"Thankfully, no."

"Good," Chakotay replied relieved.

"I'm ready to go," Janeway said from the doorway.

"Of course, Captain. Just be sure to report to sickbay tomorrow morning at zero-nine hundred. I need to be sure your neural synapsis has stabilized."

She nodded before turning to leave. Chakotay followed. "Captain," He began once they were in the corridor. "I was wondering if you'd like to join me for breakfast?"

"Sure, I could use something to eat." She replied smiling.

***

Entering the mess hall Neelix smiled cheerfully as they approached. "Captain, Commander, can I offer you some eggs to go with your coffee?"

"Certainly." She replied.

Pouring them both a cup of coffee he said. "I see the Doctor's finally released you from sickbay."

"Not a moment too soon."

He laughed. "Have a seat and I'll bring out your breakfast."

Nodding, they both took a seat at a table in the corner. Yawning, she covered her mouth. "After being asleep for nearly twenty hours you'd think I wouldn't still be tired."

"It's probably the effects of the tranquilizer. I'm sure after you take a nap, you'll be good as new." He replied taking a sip of his coffee and made a face of disgust, "I forgot to add cream and sugar, I'll be right back." She only nodded. Standing, he headed back to the counter. 

Putting the cream and sugar in Neelix approached. Whispering he asked. "Does she suspect anything?"

"No."

"That's good. So, she doesn't remember anything?"

"Nope."

Hedging toward the subject Neelix continued, "Commander, I know you made your decision two months ago but perhaps it's better if she knew what happened."

"I know how you feel Neelix, and it's hard as hell going on as if nothing's happened, but I'm sure you remember how she was." He nodded sadly. "I don't think any of us could handle seeing her go through that again, could you?"

"I suppose not," His eyes falling to focus on the counter.

Giving him a warm smile, he put a hand on his shoulder. "It's best not to think about it."

"You're right."

Clapping him on the shoulder, Neelix headed back into the kitchen as Chakotay picked up his mug and head back to the table and noticed Janeway staring out the window looking thoughtful. "Penny for your thoughts?" He asked retaking his seat across from her.

"I was just thinking that I'll have plenty of time to go over the crew evaluations with my forced vacation." She replied taking a sip of coffee.

 _"Damn those evaluations."_ He thought. "I guess so. Did you still want me to go over them with you?"

"I don't think it will be necessary. Besides, you're going to have plenty to do with me gone for the next four days."

Neelix approached with two plates. "Here you are, egg's ah la Neelix." He said sitting the plates in front of them.

"Thanks, Neelix," Janeway replied.

"Enjoy." He said with a smile before heading back into the kitchen.

After breakfast, they walked out of the mess hall. Just as they were outside the door his com. badge chirped. _"Torres to Chakotay."_

"Chakotay here."

_"I need to see you in engineering."_

"I'm on my way, Chakotay out." Turning to Janeway he said. "I'll come by your quarters later to drop off those department requisitions I need your approval on."

"I'll be there." She replied with a smile.

Returning the smile, he headed down the corridor.

Making her way to the turbolift, she pushed the button. When the door opened, Ensign Meyers stood staring back at her with a sudden, almost terrified expression creeping into her eyes. Stepping inside Janeway said. "Deck two." The door closed and the lift hummed to life. Several seconds of silence passed before she asked. "How are you this morning Ensign?"

"Just fine ma'am." She replied nervously.

"Good." The silence was deafening. "Busy day?"

 _"Please let her stop talking to me."_ She prayed. "Yes, ma'am."

She nodded. "Is there something wrong Ensign?"

"No, ma'am."

"Then why do you seem nervous?"

"I'm not- it's just-" the door opened and Janeway noticed that she was visibly relieved. "I'm sorry Captain but I have to go." She replied hurrying out the lift.

"Of course." She said, but by the time the words left her lips, Meyers was already a third of the way down the corridor, making her wonder what was bothering the young woman.

Finally reaching her quarters she tapped in her security code. Stepping inside, she headed for the replicator and ordered a cup of coffee before sitting at her desk. Turning on the desktop monitor, she pulled up the crew personnel files.

Before she knew it five hours had passed. The door chime sounded. "Come in." She said and Chakotay stepped inside holding a small stack of data padds. 

Heading toward her he said. "Here's the department requisitions as promised."

"Thank you, just leave them on the desk and I'll look at them later." Setting them down he turned to leave. "Chakotay." He stopped and looked back at her. "This morning I ran into Ensign Meyers in the turbolift, and perhaps I'm reading too much into it, but she seemed nervous."

"What gave you that impression?" He asked curiously.

"She wouldn't look at me for one thing, and when I asked if there was something wrong, she stumbled over her words."

He nodded. "I talked to her this afternoon and she seemed fine, but I'll talk with her again and see if there's something bothering her." She nodded. "In the meantime, try to get some rest. I don't have to check up on you to know that you've been staring at that screen for the last few hours."

Looking up at him she smiled. "Am I that predictable?"

"I'm afraid so." He replied smiling and she laughed softly.

"I'll go to bed in a while. I want to finish up reading Crewman Kennedy's file."

"All right. Sleep well, Kathryn." He said then left.

Leaning forward she continued to read. Near the end she came across a name she didn't recognize, Ensign Randy Foster. According to the file, he was the leader of the Beta shift. If that were so, why couldn't she remember him? After spending six years with the same group of people she knew the name of every person on board, so why didn't she recognize his?

Accessing the crew roster, she scrolled down to the F's. His name wasn't there. _"That's odd."_ She thought. _"His name isn't here."_ Turning off the monitor she leaned back with a tired sigh. She'd have Chakotay check it out in the morning, right now all she wanted was a hot bath and a good night's sleep.

Standing, she turned off the lights and headed into the bedroom. Reaching up to remove the pips from her collar a memory abruptly surfaced. She was standing in her bedroom as she was now removing her pips when she saw a figure approaching out of the corner of her eye. She turned, but before she could see who it was, a hand ascended rapidly toward her face and connected with her cheek.

Janeway's head shot up, a gasp escaping her lips. Her hands began shaking uncontrollably, and intense anxiety threatened to overwhelm her. _"When did that happen?"_ She thought. Stumbling out of the bedroom, her legs felt like two lead weights being dragged through quicksand. Slowly she made her way into the living area and out of her quarters. She was becoming disoriented and was finding it difficult to concentrate on anything.

Leaning against the wall for support, she moved hand over hand toward the turbolift. Reaching it, she mashed her hand against the controls to open the door. Finally, it slid open and she stumbled inside before passing out.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry Kim held the tool kit firmly in his hand as he pressed the button for the turbolift. He'd be glad when all this was finally put behind them. No more worrying about the captain finding out about Ensign Foster.

He had known him well - or at least he thought he did - and considered him a friend. He always participated in the velocity tournaments and helped whenever anyone needed an extra hand. Hell, he'd give a person the shirt off his back if they needed it. So, when he heard about what he did to the captain he was stunned. He could remember thinking it had to be an extremely sick joke, Randy wouldn't do something like that, but he had, there was no mistake.

The door opened and Harry dropped the tool kit upon seeing the captain's unconscious form laying on the floor on the turbolift. Kneeling beside her, he placed two fingers to her neck checking for a pulse, she was alive. Tapping his com badge, he said. "Kim to sickbay. I have a medical emergency."

***

The senior staff, including Seven and Neelix, were seated around the large conference table in the briefing room. "Here we are again," Chakotay said leaning forward. "I would like to say this was taken care of two months ago, but it obviously hasn't. So once again we're faced with a decision. Do we suppress her memory, or do we allow her to remember what happened?"

"Commander if I may," Neelix said and Chakotay gestured for him to continue. "I don't have to remind anyone here of the captain's condition two months ago. In fact, I don't think any of us can forget, but it seems to me that no matter what measures are taken to prevent her from learning the truth something jogs her memory. As painful as it would be for everyone perhaps it's best to let her remember what happened."

"I think that's a bad idea," B'Elanna said. "The only thing that seems to be holding everyone's emotions in check is her ability to not remember."

"But that doesn't seem to be working either," Harry added. "What Randy did he did to all of us. He made the ship feel unsafe for everyone. I knew him, hell I considered him a friend and so did you. Most of us at this table did. After what happened we began doubting each other, wondering if we could trust our closest friends. Thinking that if someone like Randy could hide who he really was then how many others on this ship were fooling us into believing we really knew them? There wasn't one of us who wasn't paranoid, and I don't think any of us will ever trust someone blindly again. I know I won't."

"Why the hell did this have to happen?" Tom shouted angrily pounding his fist on the table. "I thought we were all in this together, to look out for each other. With all the alien races, warp core breaches, and temporal anomalies threatening to destroy this ship, one of our own turns against us. If he weren’t dead I'd have killed him myself."

"Tom, you don't mean that" Neelix said.

"The hell I don't." He replied and turned to Chakotay. "And you Chakotay, I'm surprised at how calm you've been about this considering how close the two of you are."

"What is it you expect me to do Paris? Bash somebody's head in? That wouldn't solve anything."

"Well, it would at least show that you feel something instead of just sitting there so damn calm. Aren't you the least bit angry about this?"

"Of course, I am."

"Then act like it!" He challenged.

Chakotay leapt to his feet so fast it was scary. It even made Tuvok jump in surprise. "Screw you Paris! It makes me mad as hell that he had the nerve to put his hands on her! Touch her-" Turning, he punched the wall console so hard his hand went through it, leaving a large gaping hole. Without another word, he left the room.

Everyone stared at each other stunned, unsure of what to say. Then after several minutes, Tuvok said. "Return to your posts, I will speak with the commander."

"I'm going with you. I've known Chakotay for a long time, and I know how to talk to him." B'Elanna said and Tuvok nodded.

***

Standing outside his quarters, Tuvok pushed the door chime. No response. Overriding his security code, the door slid open. His quarters were in shambles. Chairs and tables were laying on their sides, books littered the ground, paintings and decorative hangings were torn or lying scattered across the floor. His desktop monitor lay smashed having impacted with the wall.

B'Elanna stepped inside, Tuvok behind her. Listening, she could hear the distant sounds of grief. Tracking down the source, she found him sitting in the middle of the 'fresher with his back to her. Fragments of the mirror were scattered around him, glistening like jewels in the artificial light. Taking a step forward, he turned around when he heard the glass crunch under her foot.

She nearly gasped when she saw his face streaked with blood. His arms, especially his hands were covered in it. "You're bleeding." She said.

"Your point?" He replied annoyed.

"I understand you're upset, but wrecking your quarters isn't going to solve anything."

"It's worked so far."

"Has it?" She asked knowingly.

He didn't answer, couldn't answer. "What do you want?" He asked defensively.

"Since when do I have to want something? I just came by to see how you were."

"And?"

"And you're doing just what I expected."

"What's that?"

"Feeling sorry for yourself."

He let out a dry laugh and shook his head as he turned away. "That's rich coming from you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He shook his head again. "Nothing."

"No, it meant something, or you wouldn't have said it." She replied taking another step forward while Tuvok stood in the doorway.

"Forget it. I'm too tired to argue."

"I guess throwing a bunch of stuff around would be enough to make anyone tired." She said, but there was no sarcasm in her voice his time. Kneeling behind him, she placed a hand on his shoulder. "Out of all of us, I know this hurt you the most. The two of you are close, closer to her than any of us. I just want you to know that my shoulder is always available for you to cry on."

He was silent for several moments, and she was about to leave until he finally spoke. "I love her B'Elanna. God knows I've tried to stop but I can't."

She could hear the quiver in his voice. Wrapping her arms around him she rested her chin on his shoulder. "I know. In fact, I don't think there's a person on board who doesn't. She means a lot to you, just as Tom does to me. The only difference is she doesn't reciprocate."

He nodded. "I've accepted that, and I'll continue to be her friend as long as she still wants me to be. I'd given up pursuing her a long time ago because that's what she wanted, and I don't foresee anything changing her mind."

"She's very lucky to have such a good friend." She hugged him until he stopped crying. "What do you say we get you to sickbay?" He nodded. Standing, she held out her hand to him and he took it. Pulling him to his feet they exited the 'fresher.

"Tuvok," Chakotay said with a nod as he passed.

"Commander," Tuvok replied and returned the nod before following them out.

***

Once the Doctor had finished treating his wounds and mending the fracture in his right hand, he took him into the office and closed the door. "Please have a seat."

Doing as he asked, he said. "I get the feeling you're about to give me some bad news."

He nodded taking a seat behind the desk. "We can't suppress her memories anymore."

"Is that your professional opinion or a personal one?"

"A little of both, but mostly a professional one. We've already suppressed her memory engrams seven times over the last two months, and every time we run the risk of doing permanent damage."

"You've said this before Doctor."

"I know, but if we attempt it again, she'll suffer permanent brain damage. When we've suppressed her memory in the past it was before she began to remember details of the event."

"How do you know she remembers anything?"

"When she regained consciousness a little over an hour ago, she began asking questions about Ensign Foster. She came across his name while reading Crewman Kennedy's personnel file.

"And what did you tell her?"

"I pretended not to know who she was talking about, then she told me that while she was in her quarters, she remembered seeing someone approach, but before she could see who it was, they had struck her across the face."

"What did you do then?"

"The only thing I could think of, I sedated her."

"You did the right thing Doctor."

"Thank you, Commander, but we still have to make a decision."

Chakotay fell silent as he thought about what was said. If they suppressed her memory again it was no longer just a possibility of brain damage but a certainty. Whether he liked it or not it was time to throw in the towel. He had done his best to protect her from the truth and failed. On some level, he knew this day would come, but had hoped he'd be ready when it did. Taking in a deep breath he let it out slowly before speaking again. "All right Doctor, we'll go with your recommendation."

He smiled. "You've made the right decision Commander."

"We'll see."

***

Removing the pips from her collar, Janeway saw someone approach out of the corner of her eye. Turning her head, a hand ascended rapidly toward her face and backhanded her across the cheek. She stumbled back from the force of the blow.

A hand gripped her right arm before slinging her against the wall making her hit her head. Disoriented, she looked up to see Randy Foster. Ripping her jacket open he grabbed her breasts and squeezed before kissing her hard.

Biting his lip, he pulled back as a hand reached up to touch his mouth. Finding blood, he backhanded her again. She stumbled to the side holding her cheek. Grabbing her arm, he slung her onto the bed. Leaning over her she punched him in the eye, only to receive the same in response.

Her head snapped to the side as he ripped open her shirt, once again taking her breasts in his hands as he straddled her. She could feel his erection pressing against her crotch while he kneaded her breasts like two lumps of clay rather than two mounds of flesh. The pain was excruciating, making her cry out.

Flipping her over, he began unbuckling his pants. Struggling, she stopped when he mashed her face against the mattress, making it nearly impossible to breathe. Then she felt her own pants being jerked roughly from her body. She started pushing herself up but ceased when he gripped her by the hair and pulled her head back as far as it would go. Hot breath puffed into her right ear. "I'm almost beginning to think you don't want me here Captain." Then she screamed as the pain of him forcing himself inside her sent burning waves of agony throughout her body.

Pushing her face back into the mattress he began thrusting into her as she continued to scream herself hoarse. He was breathing raggedly against her ear, working himself toward release. After several minutes he let out a loud groan as he came inside her. His thrusts became erratic as his orgasm reached its peak. When it faded, he kissed the back of her neck and asked. "Was it good for you?" Squeezing her eyes shut, fresh tears soaked the mattress as he pulled out of her before climbing off.

When she heard him getting dressed, she rolled off the bed and stumbled into the 'fresher. "Where in the hell do you think you're going?" He demanded heading after her. Jerking the drawer open to the vanity it came out, spilling its contents onto the floor. He entered the room just as she grabbed the first sharp object she saw. A pair of scissors. Swinging it at him he jumped back surprised. Holding the scissors tightly in her hand as she backed up.

"Just take it easy before you do something you'll regret." He said taking a step forward. Raising the scissors, he backed off. "Come now Captain, you and I both know you're not going to hurt me, so why don't you put those down before someone gets hurt." Without warning, he lunged at her. Bringing down the scissors she stabbed him in the chest. Stumbling backward he placed a hand over the wound. Rushing forward she stabbed him again. He fell back onto the floor clutching his chest, blood seeping between his fingers. Kneeling she kept stabbing him until she was so physically exhausted, she couldn't lift the scissors any longer.

Chakotay's eyes snapped open when he heard her screaming. Laying on the lounge chair across from her bed, he could see her thrashing around wildly. Quickly he got up and rushed to her side. Taking her by the arms he held her down. "Kathryn it's me. You're all right, it’s just a dream." Finally, she stopped struggling and looked up at him. Releasing her arms, she sat up and threw her arms around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder.

The sounds of grief filled his ears as he rubbed her back. "Let it out Kathryn, let it all out." He spoke softly against her ear as he rocked her back and forth. Her whole body shook with every cry she released, holding on to him for dear life. He thought back to what the Doctor had said earlier.

 _"I've neutralized the compound that's been suppressing her memories of Ensign Foster. When she wakes up, she'll remember everything."_ Chakotay only nodded. _"If her prior reaction is any indication, she'll be distraught, angry, fearful, irrational-"_

_"I get the point Doctor. I remember how she was the first time. In fact, I don't think I'll ever forget."_

_"Nor will I."_ The Doctor replied softly. _"Commander, do you think you'll be able to handle it?"_

_"If I can do it once I can do it again. Besides, she's my best friend, I need to be there for her."_

He was here for her, but the thought of what happened continued to fuel his anger, making him wish he could have killed Foster himself. Finally, Janeway's sounds of grief ceased. Pulling away from him, she laid back and rolled on her side. All he could see was the side of her face. "Do you need anything? A glass of water? Something to eat?"

She shook her head slightly. Several moments of silence passed before she spoke. "It was my fault."

"What was?" He asked leaning forward to hear her.

"What happened."

"Listen to me." He replied rolling her onto her back gently. "You didn't do anything wrong. Foster was the one at fault, not you. Understand?" She turned her face away, and instinctively he took her chin and turned her face back to him. "Do you understand?" She just stared back at him with a blank expression. "Please talk to me, tell me you understand." He pleaded as tears filled his eyes. Once again, her response was silence. "Tell me what you want me to do. Talk to me, Kathryn." His voice rising as he pleaded with her.

Wrapping an arm around her waist he lifted her up. She was completely limp, and he wondered if the Kathryn he knew, he loved, was irretrievable. "Say something damn it! Hit me! Scream at me! Tell me you hate me, but just say something!" She didn't respond, only stared at him blankly. Pulling her against his chest he held her as he cried. "Damn you to hell Foster. Damn you to hell." She didn't resist, didn't move. She was as lifeless as a rag doll. "Please Kathryn...I love you."

At that moment she came back to life. Pushing him away he barely managed to keep from falling off the bed. "How can you love a whore?"

"You're not a whore Kathryn."

"Yes, I am. The moment he entered me that's what I became, his whore." Angrily she tugged at her nightgown.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"You've wanted me for years so here's your chance. You can fuck me the way Foster did, put your hands on my body, squeeze my breasts until their black with bruises, I don't care anymore." She said ripping her gown open.

Grabbing her wrists, he pinned her to the bed. "Stop it, Kathryn! Just stop it! Whether you believe it or not I love you. When I learned what that animal did to you, I wanted to tear him limb from limb. He violated the woman I love, and in doing so killed a part of me. He may as well have taken a knife and plunged it into my heart."

She didn't want to hear it. "I don't deserve your love Chakotay."

"No Kathryn, it's me who doesn't deserve you."

Closing her eyes, she arched her back as a scream passed her lips. Releasing her wrists, she rolled away from him as the familiar sound of grief echoed through the room. His anger resurfaced, not toward her but the situation, especially Randy Foster. _"I hope you're burning in hell you son of a bitch."_ He thought.


	3. Chapter 3

As the days turned to weeks, Kathryn's condition appeared to be improving. There were a few times he wondered if it would be possible. Sitting on the sofa reading, Kathryn appeared in the doorway of her bedroom. "I'm going to take a bath."

He looked up at her. "All right. Call me if you need anything." She nodded before disappearing back into the bedroom, and that was the last he saw of her for the next hour.

Putting down his book he decided to check up on her. Entering the bedroom, he headed for the ‘fresher. Knocking on the door he asked. "Are you all right in there?" No response. Putting an ear against the door he listened, there were no sounds of water, no movement, just silence. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up. "Kathryn!" He shouted as he reached down to open the door and discovered it was locked.

Backing up, he rammed the door with his shoulder making it fly open. Stumbling inside, he saw her lying in the bathtub dressed in a nightgown, submerged in a pool of red. "Kathryn!" he shouted pulling her up and saw where the blood was coming from, her wrists. Lifting her out of the water he slapped his com. badge. "Chakotay to transporter room one. I have a medical emergency, beam the captain, and myself directly to sickbay."

 _"Acknowledged."_ Came a female voice.

Holding her in his arms the room changed around them until he was standing in sickbay. "Doctor!" He shouted heading toward the nearest bio-bed.

Emerging from his office he grabbed a tricorder on the way toward them. "What happened?" He asked scanning her.

"She slit her wrists." He answered.

"I've got a pulse but it's weak. If you had waited another five minutes she'd have bled to death. Get me two pints of O positive blood from the storage locker while I regenerate her wounds."

Giving him a quick nod, he ran to the storage locker. Opening it, he took a second to locate the blood before grabbing two of the packs and running back to the bed. Taking the first pack from him, he hung it on the rack and hooked a tube to it before placing the other end into her arm. Blood filled the tube, making its way into her veins. After a couple of minutes, a groan escaped her lips.

Opening her eyes, she saw Chakotay and the Doctor standing over her. "Please just let me die."

"I'm afraid I can't allow that." The Doctor replied as he continued to seal her wounds.

Reaching up, she attempted to pull the tube from her arm until Chakotay grabbed her wrist and held it away. "Let me go." She cried out weakly, trying to free her wrist from his grasp.

"No. I have no intention of standing by while you commit suicide. I understand how you feel, but the only way you're going to get through this is to face it. Besides, this crew needs you, and so do I." The Doctor looked up at him with a stunned expression before resuming his attention to her arm.

She didn't know how to respond so she turned her face away. All she wanted was to put an end to her suffering, to finally find peace, but after today she wouldn't get another chance.

When she entered her quarters two days later, every sharp object had been removed, including anything that could be used as a weapon or a means of hurting herself. She hadn't spoken a word since the conversation in sickbay. Walking into the bedroom, Chakotay stopped in the doorway watching. Standing at the foot of the bed she stared down at it with a blank expression. The longer she stood there, the more uneasy he became. "What is it, Kathryn?" He asked stepping into the room.

Then she uttered her first words in two days. "He mashed my face into the mattress while I screamed myself hoarse. When I close my eyes, I can see the look on his face as he straddled me, squeezing my breasts so hard I thought they might burst. His erection pressed against my crotch. He flipped me onto my stomach as he unbuckled his pants. When I tried to get up, he pushed my face into the mattress before jerking my pants off, that was when I began struggling again. He gripped me by the hair and pulled my head back as far as it would go and said that he was getting the impression I didn't want him there, then I screamed as he forced himself inside me."

"Please don't do this to yourself, Kathryn. Don't allow the memory of what he did to you take over your life." He said moving to stand beside her. "He can't hurt you anymore."

"But he is hurting me Chakotay, every minute of every day. Even though he's dead he continues to torment me."

"I'm here for you Kathryn, you're not alone. We'll get you through this together, you're just going to have to give yourself time. I know you can't see it now, but it will get easier. The day will come when he's no longer in your thoughts."

She shook her head slightly. "I can't imagine that day Chakotay."

Placing a hand on her shoulder he replied. "I know." He could remember the day after her rape. She went right back to work over the Doctor's objections, acting as if nothing had happened. He tried to get her to talk about it, but she sidestepped the issue. As time went on, she became increasingly paranoid. Taking every kind word, every friendly smile as a prelude for an attack.

After about a week she had a nervous breakdown. They were in the briefing room, along with the senior staff discussing whether to establish trade relations with the Nillians when he saw her hands shaking out of the corner of his eye. When he turned toward her to ask if she was alright she stood up, and with one quick motion, knocked the data padds in front of her to the floor.

He stood up and tried to place a hand on her shoulder when she suddenly screamed and began hitting him. As he put his arms around her, Tuvok approached from behind and performed a Vulcan neck pinch. That was four months ago.

Now he was standing next to her, waiting to see what she would do next, and what she did surprised him. Without a word, she reached over and took his hand. It was the first time in months she wanted to be touched, so he stood there holding her hand as she gazed out the window, wondering what she was thinking about.

Neither of them said a word. She had said everything she needed to, and it was nice to just stand here in her company. He felt at this moment she was once again placing her trust in him and that alone made him want to weep with happiness. Today was the first day of the rest of her life.

**Two Weeks Later...**

Slowly, Chakotay opened his eyes when he sensed someone was in the room. On the edge of the sofa where he lay, Kathryn sat looking out the window. "Kathryn?" He questioned.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." She replied softly.

"It's all right." He said smiling. "You can wake me anytime you want." Sitting up, he turned and leaned back against the sofa before reaching out to take her hand. "Now, tell me what's on your mind."

Closing her eyes, she replied. "I know this is going to sound strange coming from me, but I was wondering if you wouldn't mind sleeping with me tonight."

"Are you sure?" He asked, making certain this was what she wanted.

She nodded before looking back up at him. "I can't stand sleeping alone in that bed after..."

"It's all right, you don't have to say it." He replied seeing the pained expression on her face. "Let's go to bed." Standing, he helped her off the sofa before grabbing his pillow. Holding his hand, she led him into the bedroom.

Putting his pillow next to hers, she released his hand as they crawled under the blanket. Laying on her side, she reached back to take his hand and pulled his arm across her while backing herself against his chest. The feel of him just being there was enough to make her feel safe. Giving her a gentle squeeze, he said. "Try to go back to sleep." She nodded and closed her eyes. 

***

"No!"

Chakotay's eyes snapped open the second he heard her scream. She was laying on her back, gripping the sheets with both hands while her feet slid up and down under the blanket. Tears were streaming across her cheeks as her head rolled side to side.

Leaning over her, he took her face in both hands. "Kathryn wake up. It's a dream." When her eyes flew open, she saw Chakotay leaning over her holding her face. "You're safe now." He said softly stroking her cheeks with his thumbs.

Reaching up, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him to her crying into his shoulder. When he wrapped his arms around her, she held him tighter in response. "Shh. You're all right. I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

"It felt so real." She choked out.

"Nightmares usually do, that's what makes them so frightening." After a few moments, she calmed down but refused to let go of him. Turning his body, he lay back holding her in his arms as he rubbed her back until she finally found sleep.

***

Kathryn was taking a shower as Chakotay lay in the bed. After the attempted suicide more than two weeks ago, he had the lock removed from the ‘fresher door. Once her condition had stabilized, he went back to her quarters to find the object she used to cut herself.

Draining the water from the tub, he found the sliver of a mirror laying at the bottom. Picking it up, he looked at the mirror on the wall seeing it was still intact making him wonder where it came from. Looking around the room, he found a towel stuffed into the corner. Opening it, he found what was left of a handheld mirror and the metal container she used to smash it. Picking it up, he put it into the replicator.

His com. badge chirped. _"Seven Of Nine to Commander Chakotay."_

Reaching over he picked up his com. badge and pressed it. "Chakotay here. What is it Seven?"

_"I must speak to you at once."_

There was something in her tone telling him this was important. "Where are you?"

_"The Astrometrics Lab."_

"I'll be right there. Chakotay out." Sitting up, he reached down and put on his pants as Janeway stepped out of the ‘fresher.

"Where are you going?" She asked.

He looked up at her. "Astrometrics, Seven needs to speak with me."

"Can't you send someone else?" She replied looking frightened.

He stood up and placed his hands on her shoulders. "I'm afraid not. Besides, I'll only be gone for a little while. I'll be back before you know it." He said giving her a smile before turning around to retrieve his shirt.

He felt her grip his hand. "Don't leave me alone." She said panicked.

Turning back around, he felt his heart skip when he saw the look of terror in her eyes. Placing a hand to her cheek she started to cry. "Hey," he said softly lifting her chin to look at him. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want to be here by myself. Please don't leave me."

Taking her into his arms she clung to him like a lifeline. "Shh." He said stroking her hair. "I wasn't thinking I'm sorry. Tell you what, why don't I have B'Elanna come up here and stay with you while I talk to Seven all right?" She seemed reluctant but eventually nodded against his chest. Pulling her back he wiped the tears from her eyes. "I'll ask her now." Tapping his com badge, he said. "Chakotay to Torres."

_"Torres here."_

"Could you report to the captain's quarters?"

There was a slight pause. _"I'll be right there. Torres out."_

Continuing to grip his hand, he sat her down next to him on the bed. "You're going to be all right Kathryn. I won't let anything happen to you; I promise."

"You can't promise that." She replied looking up at him.

"Kathryn, do you trust me?"

"With my life." She replied quickly, and that made him feel wonderful.

"Then trust me now. I won't let anything happen to you as long as it's within my power to stop it." She nodded. "Now I need to finish getting dressed."

Reluctantly she released his hand and he smiled. Standing, he put on his shirt and reached down to pick up his jacket when he heard her say. "I love you."

He stopped and turned toward her with a questioning look in his eyes. "Did I hear you correctly? Because it sounded like I heard you say you love me."

"You heard right."

Slowly he walked toward her. "Don't say things you don't mean."

"I never say things I don't mean." Standing up she closed the distance between them.

He shook his head slightly. "Why now?"

She sighed. "Why not?"

"Because it just doesn't seem like you. You made it clear years ago that you didn't feel that way for me. You wanted us to be friends."

"I know." She replied looking down at her hands. "I can't explain when this change came over me, but I've been thinking about it for a while now. I was planning to discuss it with you before..." Her words trailed off and she took a deep breath. "When you told me, you loved me that first night in this room, I didn't want to hear it. I thought, how could you still want me after another man put his hands on me? I felt dirty. I didn't feel like me anymore, and the last thing I felt I deserved was your love."

Lifting her chin with his finger, she looked into his eyes as he stared deeply into hers. It felt as if he were staring directly into her soul, and it made her feel exposed. "I've loved you for a long time Kathryn, and when you love a person as much as I love you nothing can change that. Not time, not distance, not even death. I'd be lying if I said what happened didn't affect me, but not in the way you think. I didn't want to touch you because of how it would make you feel, and I wanted to touch you, to just hold you in my arms so tight that I could make you feel safe."

"You do make me feel safe Chakotay, as much as you make me feel loved. I don't want to spend another minute, another second without you. I want to wake up every morning with you beside me for the rest of my life. I want to be the mother of your children, I want us to grow old together, but most of all I want to spend the rest of my life in love with you."

Taking her into his arms he replied. "That's all I've ever wanted too." The chime sounded. Releasing her, he headed into the living room. "Enter." B'Elanna stepped inside.

"You wanted to see me?" She asked.

"Yes, Seven needs to speak with me and I was hoping you wouldn't mind staying with the Captain for a while until I get back."

"Of course. Where is she?"

"In the bedroom getting dressed. She just stepped out of the shower. I'll let her know you're here, have a seat." Heading back into the bedroom he saw Kathryn pulling out a pair of pants and a shirt from the closet. "B'Elanna's here, she's in the living room. I'll be back in a while."

"All right."

"I love you, Kathryn." He said just loud enough for her to hear.

"I love you too." She replied with a smile, making him smile back.

Heading back into the living room he said goodbye to B'Elanna before he left.


	4. Chapter 4

"What is it you need to talk to me about?" Chakotay asked walking up to her.

"While I was downloading Ensign Foster's personal files back into the computer for further analysis, I came across several heavily encrypted log entries, including a number of visual recordings."

"Have you been able to decrypt them?"

"Yes."

"Then let's have it." He replied wondering if he could stand hearing his voice or seeing his image without losing control. In time he'd find out. Chakotay was aware of the eventuality, but not the sequence of events that led him to his demise or how long he had been feeding his obsession with the captain. Turning to Seven he asked if she would like to leave the room due to information the logs would contain. She declined, then began tapping a series of commands into the console.

_"Ensign Foster's Personal Log. Stardate 50174.2. I've just completed another boring shift on the bridge. God, I hate the night shift, there's nothing to do except sit and wait for something to happen, but it does give me plenty of time to think. Sometimes too much of it can make a person go a little loopy if you get my meaning, especially if you start wondering about the things you have no control over, so I try not to think about them._

_"Anyway, I saw Captain Janeway this morning when she reported to the bridge. I remember looking up at her as she stepped down onto the command deck. When she approached, I relinquished her chair after logging out of the console._

_"I still can't get over how beautiful she is. I wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss her right there in front of everyone. Hell, I'm getting a hard-on just thinking about it. Then she looked up at me and smiled before asking how I was. I told her I was fine. Good was all she said before focusing her attention on the console to her left. I had to get out of there before she noticed the bulge in my pants, so I quickly made my way back here._

_"I often think about her when I'm masturbating. Picturing her beautiful body naked. Imagining what it would feel like to have her mouth engulfing my cock. To hear her moaning with pleasure as I fondle her breasts while stroking her pussy. I wonder what she tastes like, not to mention what she feels like._

_"I fantasize about fucking her. I bet she's a tight fit. I picture her vaginal muscles gripping my cock as I thrust in and out of her including the sounds she makes while I'm doing it. When she comes, she cries out my name. I watch her face. The eyes close, her mouth opens as she gasps with pleasure. I lean down and kiss her hard, the taste of her mouth makes me come inside her."_ His breathing had become increasingly ragged as he spoke, then the sound of air being sucked through teeth is heard. _"Kathryn."_ He moans softly.

Seven looked over at Chakotay to study his reaction to the log, and he stood stone still. His expression revealed nothing, but she had the feeling he was just as disturbed by this as she was.

_"Ensign Foster's Personal Log. Stardate 50179.4. I saw her again this afternoon. She was in the mess hall eating lunch with Commander Chakotay. I don't understand what she sees in that guy. He could never love her as I could. If she were mine, I'd treat her like a queen._

_"Maybe one of these days I'll build up the courage to ask her out to dinner, but I seriously doubt she'd accept. Why would she want to go out with an Ensign when she has him? He's intelligent, funny, charming, and good-looking; everything I'm not. God, I hate that guy._

_"I know their just friends, but he has the privilege of seeing her every day, sitting next to her on the bridge. What I wouldn't give to be able to do that, to just be in her presence, and the part that kills me the most is he's invited to her quarters for dinner! I bet he doesn't appreciate how lucky he is. I'd kill to be that close to her. Fuck I hate that guy."_

_"Ensign Foster's Personal Log. Stardate 50182.4 I can't stop thinking about her. When I realized a few months ago that I loved her, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her since. In the beginning, it was just a physical attraction, but after reading her personal logs I started falling for her. We have so much in common. Her father was an admiral in Starfleet as was mine. She loves listening to jazz, reading, painting, the occasional game of velocity, dogs, pool, so much in common. We'd be perfect for each other._

_"God, I have to see her, if only for a moment. She's probably in bed by now, so I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow and see if she comes to the mess hall for breakfast. Man, that seems like a lifetime away."_

_"Ensign Foster's Personal Log. Stardate 50183.2. She didn't come for breakfast; she went straight to the bridge instead. God, I was looking forward to seeing her this morning, but the day wasn't a total loss. This afternoon, when I was in the turbolift on the way back from the holodeck the door opened and standing right there in front of me, was Kathryn Janeway. I couldn't believe it! She smiled at me and said. ‘Mister Foster,' as she stepped into the lift._

_"She remembered my name, and it sounded so sweet coming from her lips. Not to mention she was standing less than two feet away. I asked her if she was having a busy day. She looked and me and said with a laugh, ‘You have no idea.' I can remember how she smelled like lavender. I then told her that a bunch of us were going to the holodeck later to play a few games of pool at Sandrine's and asked if she'd like to join us. She gave a sigh and said she didn't think she'd have the time but thanked me for the offer. That was when the lift stopped at my deck. I didn't want to leave, but it wouldn't look right if I rode the lift to the bridge, so I wished her a pleasant day and left the turbolift._

_"Being that close to her was making me dizzy, and I wanted to push her up against the wall and take her right then. I don't know how much longer I can go on this way. Not being able to see her anytime I want, having to settle for these chance encounters. I've got to do something."_

_"Ensign Foster's Personal Log. Stardate 50185.2. I've finally decided to do something. After she left for her shift on the bridge this morning, I broke into her quarters and set up hidden cameras in her living room, bedroom, and ‘fresher. Now I can see her whenever she's in her quarters, not to mention what she does while she's there. I also went through her closet before rummaging through her drawers._

_"I considered taking one of her nightgowns, but I know she'd notice, so I took a pair of her panties instead. When I hold it up to my nose, I can smell her scent in the fabric, and that alone is enough to give me a hard-on. There's just something intimate about having her panties. I can't wait until tonight when she goes back to her quarters."_

_"Ensign Foster's Personal Log. Stardate 50186.4. It was nearly twenty-three hundred before she went to her quarters. I thought she'd never get there, but I have to say it was well worth the wait. The first thing she did after setting down the stack of data padds on her desk was enter the bedroom._

_"I watched as she took off her com. badge and pips before setting them on the nightstand. Then she went to her closet and picked out a peach satin nightgown. Tossing it on the foot of her bed she unzipped her jacket and shrugged out of it before taking a seat on the bed to pull off her shoes and socks._

_"Then she stood and carried them into the ‘fresher. Putting them in the recycler, she went to the bathtub and turned on the water. Checking the temperature, she fiddled with the controls until it came out the way she wanted. Then she stood up and pulled the shirt up over her head before tossing it into the recycler as well. Her bra was a Starfleet issue, but it accented her breasts nicely._

_"Then she unfastened her pants and let them fall to her ankles. God, I got such a hard-on seeing her standing there in her bra and panties, but I knew the best was yet to come. Stepping out of them, those too went into the recycler._

_"I held my breath as she reached back behind her and unclasped her bra. Shrugging out of it I saw her breasts. My god were they beautiful! I could have sucked on them for a few millennia. Then after it too went into the recycler, she pulled down her panties and I nearly came right then! I had to close my eyes for a second to regain my composure._

_"When I opened them, she was stepping into the bathtub. Sitting down, she leaned back and closed her eyes, just letting herself soak for a while. I could have stared at her like that for hours. She laid there for the longest time, a half-hour at least. Then she began sliding down into the water. I wondered what the hell she was doing at first until she sat up with a start, and that was when I realized she had been asleep._

_"Stepping out of the tub, she pulled the tab to drain the water while she pulled a towel from the rack and dried herself. Wrapping herself in it, she went back into the bedroom and got a clean pair of panties and put them on before taking off the towel to put on her nightgown._

_"She tossed the towel into the recycler in the ‘fresher before turning out the lights and crawled into bed. It seemed the minute she laid down she went back to sleep. I can remember how peaceful she looked laying on her back; the blanket pulled across her breasts. How her head was turned to the side exposing the tender flesh of her neck. One hand rested on her stomach above the blanket while the other lay next to her face on the pillow. God how I wanted to run my fingers down her neck. Hell let's be honest, I wanted to do a lot more than that._

_"I watched her sleep for a while, wishing that I could be there with her. At one point she shifted, her hand slid off her stomach as she turned her face the other way while the other hand loosely gripped the edge of her pillow. Her shift had pulled down the blanket just enough for me to see the nightgown cradling her breasts._

_"Fuck! What I wouldn't give to be able to fondle them through her nightgown. To kiss a trail from her neck to her breasts. The only thing I could do was touch the screen, and that's the closest to touching her I'll ever get."_ He sighed. _"I guess I'll just have to be satisfied with seeing her like this. I bet Commander Chakotay has never seen her naked."_ He laughed. _"And if he ever does, I'll know I saw her that way first."_

The only way Chakotay was able to force himself to listen to this monster narrating Kathryn’s behavior and actions, was to get a better understanding as to not only how far Foster would go to be close to her, but learning what steps he took along the way to continue feeding his obsession. Eventually, as they all knew, he took his dark obsession into the real world. He paid the ultimate price for it in the end, but the damage he inflicted along the way seemed impossible to overcome. 

_"Ensign Foster's Personal Log. Stardate 50197.4. I've been watching her for about a week now. I never get tired of watching her. When she gets back to her quarters at the end of the night her routine is pretty much the same. Sometimes she replicates a cup of coffee before reading through the day's reports or listens to soft jazz while laying back in her chair reading a good book._

_"I'll watch her sitting there reading the book in her lap as she perches both feet on the edge of the footstool in front of her. One hand turns the pages while she drapes the other over the back of the chair. She'll sit there for hours like that reading, dressed in only her tunic and pants._

_"I love her bare feet. Occasionally she'll lift one foot to rub the other before returning it back to its proper place on the footstool. I can picture myself sitting at her feet, rubbing one foot then the other. Imagining the feel of her delicate arches while I gently massage away the day's tension. Then she thanks me with a kiss before asking me to take her to bed. You can tell I've had this fantasy before."_ He says with a laugh. _"Picking her up, she wraps her arms around my neck kissing me. She can hardly wait for me to get her to bed. When I lay her down, she pulls me down on top of her, tugging at my clothes. I get hot just thinking about it._

_"She begins whispering in my ear, begging me to make love to her. How can I deny this woman anything? So, I undress her very slowly, worshiping her body. Touching and kissing as much of her body as she'll allow before rolling me on my back. Her eyes are dark with desire as she takes me inside her. A soft moan escaping her lips as she begins rocking her hips._

_"After a few minutes, I roll her onto her back and take over. Kissing her neck, she moans against my ear, urging me to go faster. I pound into her as she wraps her legs around my waist matching my thrusts until I feel her vaginal muscles gripping my cock as she comes, screaming my name. I swallow her cries with a kiss as I come inside her._

_"We lay there for a while, with me still inside her. I stroke her cheek with my thumb, and she looks up at me and smiles. She then tells me I'm the best lover she's ever had. Yeah, I know it's corny as hell, but it's my fantasy!_

_"Finally, after about an hour of reading, she changes into her nightgown and goes to bed. Tonight, she put on the black one with spaghetti straps. It's short, stopping a few inches down her silky thighs, and it's completely backless! Stopping just above her buttock. It's my favorite by far. I just wish she wore it more often."_

_"Ensign Foster's Personal Log. Stardate 50218.2."_ His voice sounds angry. _"Tonight, she had dinner with Chakotay! Fuck I hate that guy!"_ The sounds of pacing are heard then a yell and a loud crash. _"Fuck him! If I can't have her then I sure as hell won't let him have her either. It pisses me off when I see her smile at him or laugh at something he said. But the one thing she does that really grinds my ass to the bone is the way she touches him. I would like to have gone up there and punched him out, but I didn't. I must keep reminding myself that she's not mine as much as I want her to be._

 _"Maybe one of these days something will happen to him. Like going on an away mission and never coming back or getting killed while we're under attack. A guy can dream, can't he? I worry about her when we're under attack. Praying that something doesn't happen to her. About a month ago_ Voyager _had come under attack by a nomadic race called the Eniale. While we were on the bridge, a blast hit the ship and she was tossed to the floor, cutting her cheek on the railing. She fell on her side and fractured the bones in her right hand. I wanted to run to her but didn't, I just had to clench my jaw and stay at my post. Of course, Chakotay walked away from the battle without a scratch on him. Sometimes I think there is no God."_

_"Ensign Foster's Personal Log. Star date 50226.4. Tonight, I got a pleasant surprise. A few of us decided to get together and go shoot a few games of pool at Sandrine's. Harry, Tom, and Susan were there, we were playing doubles. Susan and I were partners._

_"We were whipping Tom and Harry. They had five balls left on the table, and all I had to do was sink the eight ball and we'd win. Just then I heard the holodeck door open. I thought it was B'Elanna, Tom said she'd join us later after her shift, but when I looked up from my cue, I saw Kathryn Janeway standing in the doorway. I was so stunned to see her that I completely fucked up my shot and nearly scratched on the eight ball. Tom and Harry laughed upon seeing my uncool display._

_"When I stood at attention, they looked behind them and saw her. Kathryn smiled and held up a hand as she approached and said, ‘As you were,' before asking who was winning and Tom said that we were until I messed up my shot. She laughed good-naturedly and Tom asked if she would like to play the next game. She said yes if we didn't mind. Of course, I didn't mind. Then a miracle happened. Susan said she could take her place as my partner if she wanted, it was getting late and she was ready to turn in. Kathryn smiled and accepted._

_"Tom shot in three of the five balls left on the table, then Susan took her shot and called the right corner pocket and sunk it in then handed the cue to Kathryn and said, ‘Goodnight all,' and walked out. Everyone wished her a good evening. Tom put his hand on Harry's shoulder and told him to rack'em up, and Harry shot him a look and replied. ‘I don't think so. It's your turn,' by the time he got the words out of his mouth Tom was already at the bar getting another drink. Harry sighed and began racking the balls as Kathryn laughed. I love her laugh. I don't think I'll ever get tired of hearing it. I just wished she were this relaxed and carefree all the time._

_"Tom asked from the bar if she wanted something to drink, and she told him she'd have whatever we're having. He smiled and said. ‘Beer it is.' Shortly he brought over another tray and handed each of us a glass. Kathryn took a sip before setting it on the table behind her. Turning to me she asked if I wanted to break first, I told her she could._

_"Taking a sip of beer Tom asked. ‘You're going to go easy on us right Captain?' She gave him a lop-sided grin and replied. ‘Not on your life.' Harry smiled and said. ‘Now you did it, Tom, she's going to wipe the floor with us. Thanks a lot, pal.' Tom smiled and took another drink from his glass._

_"I held my cue and watched as she leaned over the table. The look of concentration on her face was breathtaking. Then she brought the cue back and struck, sinking three solids on the break. ‘Solids.' She called as her eyebrow went up for a second and a smile spread across her lips. Harry made a whistling sound. ‘Yep, she's going to wipe the floor with us. Maybe I should just quit now while I'm ahead.' Tom set down his beer and replied. ‘Don't let her intimidate you. We can take her.' Yeah, I'd like to take her all right I thought as she made her way around the table looking for her next shot._

_"When she walked past me, I could smell the scent of lavender. She sank two more balls before missing the third. Tom tried to sound shocked as he said. ‘You missed? You must be off tonight.' Giving him a serious look, she replied, ‘Stow it, Lieutenant.' Then smiled before retrieving her beer from the table._

_"I did my best not to stare as she put an elbow on the table holding her cue while holding her glass in the other, laughing and smiling at everyone just having a good time. I kept thinking how I'd like to bend her over the table and take her from behind but did my best to push the thought aside. I'd have plenty of time to think about it later, so I just played the game._

_"We played four games before everyone decided to call it a night, we won three of them. Drinking the last of her beer, she sat down the glass and said, ‘See you when duty calls.' And left. I wished Tom and Harry a goodnight after waiting a couple of seconds before exiting the holodeck._

_"Kathryn was halfway down the corridor heading for the turbolift when I stepped out. So, I walked behind her and enjoyed the view. When she reached the lift, she turned and saw me heading for the lift as well and held the door for me. I thanked her before ordering the computer to take me to deck three. After a couple of seconds, I asked her if she enjoyed herself. She smiled and replied that she did, then said she had no idea I was such a talented pool player and jokingly asked where I was hiding myself during last year's tournament._

_"Suddenly I felt incredibly shy and told her I was working on the bridge during the tournament and couldn't attend. She then said that if I wanted to enter it this year to just speak with Commander Chakotay about scheduling me off that day. I told her I'd think about it, the door opened. I wished her a pleasant evening before heading to my quarters. The mention of Chakotay's name nearly ruined my good mood but was restored upon seeing her get ready for bed. God, she's a sexy woman."_

Chakotay couldn’t help but make a mental note as to how detailed oriented he was when it came to describing not only his encounters but observations. They were meticulous, at times mundane, but the longer he listened the louder his internal alarm became. He was deeply disturbed by what he’d heard thus far, anyone listening to his logs would have. He looked to Seven and noticed how hard she was trying to suppress her disgust and anger. Seeing her efforts reinforced his own reserves and allowed him to hold it together. 

_"Ensign Foster's Personal Log. Stardate 50237.2. I've been watching her for a little over two months now, but what happened tonight still gives me an instant hard-on just thinking about it. About forty-five minutes after she fell asleep, I could hear soft moans coming from her. Whatever she was dreaming about must have been erotic because she kept squirming while her head periodically rolled back and forth across the pillow. Her hands gripping the sheets as the moans grew louder. Then after a few minutes, the moans ceased along with her movements, and she was still. I've never been so turned on in my life and had to ease the pressure in my pants before I could get to sleep. That recording is definitely going in my favorites file."_

_"Ensign Foster's Personal Log. Stardate 50240.4. It's been three days since I saw her moaning in bed the other night and it's all I've been able to think about. In a way, I'm glad that I haven't seen her in person since then. I'm not sure what kind of reaction I'd have if I did, but after seeing it I need to touch her. So tonight, I went to sickbay after the Doc deactivated himself for the evening and headed straight for the medicine locker to get a bottle of menethazine. It's mostly used as a mild anesthetic to aid in minor surgery but when used in larger quantities it has the ability to put someone into a very deep sleep, making it almost impossible to wake them until the drug wears off._

_"Another great thing about it is when the person is dreaming their body is very receptive to outside stimuli and interprets it into their dream. So, for instance, if you're shaking someone, they believe they're dreaming it instead of experiencing it. I can't wait until tomorrow night to use this on her. I've been wanting to touch her for so long that it looks like I'll get my chance."_

_"Ensign Foster's Personal Log. Stardate 50242.2. I did it, and man was it worth it. I watched her until she had been asleep for at least an hour before going to her quarters. As I was outside her door using a code-cracker I kept from my earlier days as a security officer before I switched my career track to command. I stood there as my heart beat wildly in my chest, hoping I wouldn't get caught. I know I shouldn't have been too worried considering how late it was. After what seemed an eternity the door slid open and I retrieved my device before stepping inside. I had seen her quarters so many times over the last three months that I knew this place as well as she did._

_"In the dark, I carefully pulled out the hypospray from my bag before walking softly into the bedroom. In the doorway, I peered into the room and saw that she was in bed asleep, completely oblivious to my presence. Then I felt this surge of adrenaline at the thought of what I was about to do._

_"Stepping inside, I felt more like a burglar creeping into the room than a Starfleet officer. Making my way around the bed I knelt next to her and put down my bag before placing the hypospray to her neck. I wanted to be able to duck out of sight just in case it woke her. Pressing the button, there was a soft hiss as I injected the contents into her neck. Her eyes began to flutter, so I ducked down and waited at least thirty seconds before sitting up to peek at her, she was sound asleep._

_"Standing up, I waited another full minute to make sure the drug had enough time to do its work. Sitting down next to her on the bed, I whispered her name to see if she'd wake up. When she didn't, I spoke her name again only this time it was slightly louder. I did this several times, each time strengthening the sound of my voice until I was speaking a little louder than my normal pitch, and she didn't move or make any indication that she might have heard me. Satisfied, I pulled down the blanket._

_"She was wearing a blue satin nightgown with spaghetti straps. In fact, every one of her nightgowns was that way. The neck plunged low in a V pattern exposing her cleavage while the hem of the gown - which would normally brush her upper thighs - was pushed up enough to give me a complete view of her silky legs._

_"Reaching out, I ran my fingers gently down her neck to her cleavage, and her body shifted slightly at my gentle caress, giving me an incredible hard-on. Slowly I let my hand slide down to cup her breast and caress it through the slick fabric. Almost instantly her nipples became erect as a soft moan escaped her lips, I thought I might come right then but managed to keep control._

_"Sliding off the strap on her right shoulder, I reached back to pull down the nightgown just enough to free her right breast. It was magnificently perfect. At that point, I had to taste it. Leaning over, I took her nipple into my mouth and sucked it gently, licking the tip of it with my tongue. God, she tasted good, just as I knew she would._

_"Fondling her other breast through the fabric, another series of moans escaped her lips as I continued to worship her breasts. After a few minutes, I sat up and stroked the inside of her left thigh before sliding my hand under the nightgown. I had been waiting for this moment for a long time, dreaming about it._

_"Rubbing her through her panties she was already wet. I couldn't take it anymore, I had to make contact with her skin. Taking a hold of her panties in both hands I gently pulled them down to her knees before slipping my hand back under her nightgown._

_"Touching her again, my fingers were slick with her juices as I began rubbing her clit with my thumb. Her moans became increasingly louder the closer she came to orgasm. Unbuckling my pants, I pulled out my aching cock and lubricated it with her juices before stroking myself as I thrust two fingers into her, massaging the already slick walls._

_"She began rocking her hips slightly as I continued thrusting my fingers in and out of her for a short while before sliding them out to resume rubbing her clit. After several minutes she orgasmed against my hand while I watched her face. Her head was tossed back against the pillow as she arched her back. Her mouth opened wide as she cried out in pleasure._

_"It was all too much, and I came hard. If I weren’t already sitting down my knees would have buckled, making me collapse to the floor. I kept stroking her as I came to keep her coming as long as possible. Finally, my orgasm faded along with hers. Catching my breath, I headed into the ‘fresher._

_"Taking a washcloth from under the sink, I wet it and cleaned myself up before rinsing it out and wetting it again. Walking back into the bedroom, I couldn't help but look at her lying there on the bed. Her hair was mussed, not to mention that her right breast was still exposed. Her panties had slipped further down her legs and came to rest around her ankles._

_"I had to tear myself away long enough to clean up the mess I'd made here. Once everything was back in place, I sat down next to her and slipped her breast back into her nightgown before pulling the strap back over her shoulder. As my hand brushed across her exposed skin, I found that I didn't want to leave as much as I knew I had to. My hand lingering there a while longer, stroking her neck with my fingertips._

_"Pulling away, I took her panties and began sliding them back up her legs. It was a little more difficult slipping them back on than it was taking them off. I had to slide my arm around her waist and lift her up just enough to pull up her panties. After arranging them where they weren't riding up on her, I let my hand slide across her stomach before placing it on the mattress next to her._

_"Leaning down I placed kisses on her chest before working my way up to her neck, her jawline. Reaching her mouth, I lifted my hand and held her face, my fingertips in her hair. She didn't respond at first, so I kissed her lips again before stopping to let her become accustomed to it. I knew it had to be done this way. When someone's drugged like this, any outside stimuli takes a few moments to process since the mind is not conscious. So, after a little bit, she kissed me back._

_"God if felt good having her kiss me. When I slid my tongue into her mouth, she seemed suddenly shy, then after I stroked the tip of her tongue with mine for a couple of seconds, she opened her mouth wider, allowing me access before stroking my tongue with hers. I knew she'd be just as passionate in her lovemaking as she was about her ship._

_"As our kisses became more intense, I slid my hand back down her body and lifted the hem of her nightgown to slip my hand into her panties again. Stroking her with my fingers, she moaned into my mouth giving me another hard-on. I wanted to make love to her but wondered if I had enough time before the drug began to wear off. So, I pulled back and she looked upset that I had moved away from her._

_"Taking out the hypospray, I filled it with a booster before placing it to her neck. Slipping off my boots, I took off my socks and stuffed them into my boots before standing back up to unfasten my pants. Taking them and my underwear off, I stepped out of them before reaching into my pants pocket to pull out an old-fashioned condom. It had one difference, the condom was constructed with durable materials, so I wouldn't have to worry about it breaking. I sure as hell didn't want to leave any evidence behind or take the chance of getting her pregnant. I can't imagine trying to explain how my sperm ended up inside her._

_"Once I had it on, I pulled her panties off and tossed them to the floor. Spreading her legs apart, I stroked her with my fingers to get her juices flowing again before positioning myself at her opening. Slipping the tip of my cock inside her I pushed deeper. She looked to be in pain, so I waited, giving her a moment to adjust. When I felt her muscles relax, I slipped deeper. It seemed like an eternity before I was completely inside her, and she was just as tight as I imagined. God, I nearly came just feeling her surrounding me._

_"My only regret was that she couldn't be awake to enjoy this, to cherish this night as much as I did. I know exactly how she'd react if she knew what I was doing to her, and if she didn't phaser me, Chakotay along with everyone else on board would be hunting me down. No, it would have to remain mine alone._

_"Gripping her thigh, I lifted her right leg and draped it over my shoulder, making me slip deeper into her. As I began moving slowly, I reached up and slid the straps of the gown from her shoulders before pulling it down enough to free her breasts. When I leaned over and took her left nipple into my mouth, out of the corner of my eye I saw her lifting her arm, it moved like it weighed a hundred pounds. Then she placed it on my head, her fingers began gripping my hair weakly._

_"I had to fight the urge to quicken the pace, especially when she began to moan. Releasing her nipple, I licked and kissed my way up to her neck. Kissing her just below her left ear she gasped and tossed her head back against the pillow. I had found one of her erogenous zones. As I continued to kiss the tender region, her hand slid up my back and came to rest on my shoulder, holding me to her. I wanted to come so bad but was determined to hang on until she came first. I loved the expression on her face as she came, and I desperately wanted to know how it felt to have her muscles gripping my cock as she did._

_"When I regained control of myself, I picked up the pace. She began rocking her hips, urging me to go faster. I could hear her breathing starting to become ragged as soft moans and gasps continued to escape her lips. Her hand kept clenching and releasing the cloth of my shirt. After a couple of minutes, I felt her muscles gripping me as her body pushed upward, her hand clenching the fabric._

_"I pulled back so I could watch her face and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I can still remember it. Her head tossed back, exposing the tender flesh of her neck. The mouth gaping open as she cried out her release. I couldn't hang on anymore and I came as her muscles continued to milk my cock. Burying my face into her neck I cried out her name. Amid her orgasm, I heard her cry out something I couldn't make out, but it didn't matter, I'd find out what it was when I played back the video._

_"When I recovered from my second mind-shattering orgasm of the evening, I reached down to hold the condom closed as I slowly slid out of her, being very careful not to let any of my semen seep out. Getting off the bed I went into the ‘fresher and carefully removed it. Tying it off, I decided it was best to take it with me than dispose of it here._

_"After cleaning myself off with the washcloth, I walked back into the bedroom and got dressed before walking up to the bed. Looking at her laying there, her hair was plastered to her face, the nightgown sticking to her body. Her legs were still spread wide open, the straps of the nightgown had been worked down her arms during our lovemaking, exposing not only her breasts but part of her stomach. God, she was a mess._

_"I still had time before the drug wore off, so I got started getting her and this place cleaned up. Lifting her up, I removed the nightgown and tossed it aside before carrying her into the ‘fresher. Sitting her down in the sonic shower, I leaned her back against the wall and activated it before heading back into the bedroom and removed the sheets and pillowcases from the bed. Retrieving my bag, I pulled out the exact same sheets and pillowcases, only clean, and remade the bed before stuffing the dirty ones into my bag._

_"Picking up the nightgown, I used a handheld sonic scrubber to clean it before laying it on the bed. I thought about cleaning her panties, but if she woke up in the morning knowing what kind of dream she thought she was having, her remarkably scientific and logical mind would begin to wonder why her panties weren't wet, so I decided to leave them alone._

_"By the time I was finished the sonic shower had completed its cycle. Walking back into the ‘fresher I lifted her up and carried her back to the bed. She laid in my arms completely limp, oblivious to what was happening around her. It made me feel depressed, wishing there were some way we could be together, that she would accept me as a lover. I knew it was just wishful thinking, but perhaps someday, if I pursued her long enough, she might give me a chance. No, that would never happen._

_"Setting her down on the bed, I held her up to slip on the nightgown. Once I had her back in it, I laid her down on the bed and covered her up before adjusting the environmental controls. Raising the temperature, I waited until she began to sweat just enough to leave her skin feeling clammy before returning the temperature back to normal. Pulling the blanket aside, I slipped her panties back on and adjusted them to where they weren't riding up on her before covering her again. Taking the washcloth, put the used condom inside it before placing it into my bag. I took one last look around both rooms and performed any last-minute touch up's before giving her a kiss on the forehead and left._

_"The minute I made it back to my quarters this morning, I started laughing as I entered my bedroom and laid down on the bed. It struck me as hysterical that the whole time I was in Kathryn's quarters, Chakotay lay asleep, oblivious to what I was doing to her next door. Well, I've asked the computer to wake me ten minutes until zero-seven hundred, so I have about three hours of sleep. I can't wait to see what Kathryn does when she wakes up."_

Chakotay was angry, horrified, and stunned by what he’d just heard. He had no idea this event had happened until this moment. He couldn’t make himself look at Seven, to do so would only fuel his own tumultuous feelings and could only guess as to how deeply this affected her psyche, but had a pretty good idea when he heard the sound of metal being compressed. He didn’t dare look, needing to remain as focused as he could to learn what else he might have admitted doing. Later he would make use of his modified boxing program, having even more motivation to pound Foster’s face in.

 _"Ensign Foster's Personal Log. Stardate 50243.4. I'm sitting here at my monitor waiting for her to be awakened. I've hooked a video and sound link to this log."_ A few moments pass, and a picture comes into view. The computer's voice is heard. _"The time is zero-seven-hundred. Stardate 50243.4,"_ Kathryn opens her eyes and stretches with a smile on her face as she lays there continuing to let herself wake up. _"You have a meeting scheduled with Lieutenant Commander Tuvok at zero-nine-hundred. Your next meeting is scheduled at ten hundred with Lieutenant Alycia Coyle in science lab one. Your next meeting is scheduled at fourteen hundred with Lieutenant Judy Morrow in astrophysics."_ Kathryn smiles and remarks. _"Light day."_ The Computer continues. _"You have three messages."_

Sitting up, she winces in pain and stops for a second before continuing to push herself up. Swinging her legs slowly off the bed she scrubs her face with her hands and says. _"Play the first message."_

The computer beeps and complies. B'Elanna's voice is heard. _"Captain, I was wondering if you could find the time to stop by engineering this morning. I'm having a few problems with the power relays on deck ten and would like to speak with you about doing a complete refit before initiating repairs."_

Neelix's voice is heard. _"Captain, I've completed a list of foodstuffs we're running extremely low on and have placed it on the desk in your ready room. If you have any questions you know where to find me. Have a wonderful day."_

Chakotay's voice is heard. _"Good morning Kathryn, I just wanted to remind you that we agreed to meet in your ready room this morning at zero-eight-hundred to go over the departmental reports. See you then."_

Slowly she stood up and headed toward her lounge chair looking a little sore. Picking up her robe she slipped into it and tied the front on her way into the living room. The camera angle changes as she enters. Walking up to the replicator she ordered a cup of black coffee before taking a seat at her desk.

Turning on the monitor, she takes a sip of her coffee before tapping commands into the monitor. Leaning back in her chair, she holds the cup between both hands as a smile once again spreads across her lips. _"Captain Janeway's personal log. Stardate 50243.4, I had an intensely erotic dream about Chakotay last night."_ She said looking embarrassed. _"I dreamed that we were making love in my bed. I must have been touching myself because I woke up this morning feeling a little sore."_ She said getting a faraway look in her eyes as a lop-sided grin spread across her lips. _"I had two of the most amazing orgasms, but the oddest part about the whole thing was how real the dream seemed. If I didn't know better, I could swear he was in the room with me last night."_ Taking another sip of coffee, she sat looking reflective. After a few seconds, she let out a sigh and said. _"End- no. Delete log."_

 _"Personal log has been deleted."_ The computer replied. Setting down her coffee on the desk, she stood up and headed for the ‘fresher and the log ended.

_"Ensign Foster's Personal Log. Stardate 50243.4, Supplemental. Hearing what she said this morning pissed me off! While I was making love to her last night, she was dreaming about him! I'm the one who made her come! I did all the work and he gets all the credit! I had to keep my jaw clenched during my shift on the bridge this morning, especially after hearing them laughing as they entered her ready room. It was all I could do to keep myself from going in there._

_"When I got back to my quarters this afternoon, I played the recording I made of us last night and heard exactly what she cried out in the middle of her orgasm. Chakotay. It was his fucking name! Well, I've got a little surprise in store for her tonight when she goes back to her quarters, and this time she'll know exactly who's fucking her."_

That was where the logs ended and the audio/visual recordings began, but in the middle of the first recording that showed her lying in the bathtub, it skipped ahead. Chakotay turned to look at Seven as she worked the controls with a puzzled expression. "Seven?"

"I am uncertain as to the cause of this malfunction."

Before he could say another word, he heard a slap. Turning his head, he looked back at the view screen to see Kathryn stumbling back. Foster grabbed her right arm and slung her against the wall. Turning back to Seven he ordered. "Turn it off."

"I am attempting to do so Commander." She replied as they both heard the recording being broadcast throughout the ship. Unknown to them now, it was also playing on every monitor and view screen.

"Turn it off!" He demanded heading toward her.

"I am trying, but I am unable to terminate the transmission." She replied.

His eyes flashed back to the screen as he saw Foster backhanding her a second time before slinging Kathryn onto the bed.

Harry, Tom, Tuvok, along with the rest of the bridge crew looked up at the view screen in shock as they watched Foster lean over their captain as she punched him, then watched as he returned the blow. Her head snapped to the side as he ripped open her shirt, taking her breasts in his hands.

Neelix, along with the crew in the mess hall watched in horror as he straddled her, kneading her breasts as she cried out in pain before flipping her onto her stomach. Tears streaked down Neelix's cheeks as he watched Foster unbuckling his pants while she struggled to get up.

A terror-filled scream filled the room. "Mom! Mom!" Samantha Wildman ran in to see why her daughter was screaming. On the monitor, she could see Foster pushing Captain Janeway's face down into the mattress before jerking her pants roughly from her body. Taking her daughter into her arms, she turned her face away and held her to her while she tried to deactivate the monitor, it wouldn't turn off. Naomi had her hands over her ears. "Please turn it off, mommy. Please turn it off." She said crying. Samantha could see Janeway trying to push herself up but stopped when he grasped a handful of her hair and pulled her head back as far as it would go.

 _"I'm almost beginning to think you don't want me here Captain."_ The Doctor heard him say before seeing him force himself inside her. She screamed, and it was a sound that he, nor any person on this ship would forget. It seemed to echo through every corner of the ship.

B'Elanna was filled with rage as she saw him mash her face back into the mattress. With every thrust he made she continued to struggle as she screamed herself hoarse, finding it difficult to breathe.

Letting out a loud groan he came inside her while continuing to thrust into her. Chakotay gripped the top of the console as he watched him kiss the back of her neck and ask. _"Was it good for you?"_ She had stopped screaming and lay there lifeless as he pulled out of her and climbed off. This is where the video ended before another recording took its place. It was from Foster.

Looking directly into the camera he began to speak. _"I'm sure you're aware by the time you get this message a copy of what I'm about to do to Captain Janeway will be broadcast throughout the ship. Why do you ask? Because I fucking hate you, Commander, that's why. I loved her, and all she could think about was you, but at least I have the pleasure of knowing I fucked her first."_ He laughed. _"Oh, and by the way. The moment you accessed my logs a copy was sent to Janeway's monitor in her quarters. She's heard everything you have. Have a nice day."_ The screen goes dark.

"Kathryn." He whispered as he realized that she had seen herself being raped along with the rest of the crew. Without another word, he ran out of astrometrics, down the hall, and into the turbolift. When he reached deck two, he ran down the corridor to her quarters and entered.

Kathryn sat on the sofa perfectly still as B'Elanna stood up and walked out without saying a word, murder in her eyes. He knew her well enough to know that she was going somewhere to release her anger. Walking up to Kathryn he knelt in front of her. "Kathryn?"

"Everyone knows exactly what happened. They saw it with their own eyes."

"I'm sorry."

"Why?" She asked looking down at him. "Didn't you like what you saw?"

"What? How can you say that?" He asked stunned.

"Isn't that every man's fantasy? To see a woman raped?"

He couldn't believe she was behaving like this. "Listen to me. What he did was sick, and no normal person would enjoy seeing what he did to you."

"I thought I was dreaming that night about you, but he was touching me, manipulating me, and I enjoyed it. Hell, I did more than just enjoy it, I orgasmed. Twice."

"You were drugged. How could you have known it was really happening?"

"I should have figured it out."

"Why? Because you're the captain? He took advantage of you, and as much as I hate that son of a bitch, he covered his tracks extremely well."

"I know, and that scares the hell out of me."

He bowed his head for a moment, looking as if he were struggling with his thoughts. It was better to tell her now than keep it to himself any longer. The way things were going, she would come across the information eventually, and the last thing he wanted was to have her blindsided by it. Although not ideal, it was better she knew so he could help her recover instead of retraumatizing her over time. "I have to tell you something."

"What?"

"You're aware of what happened over the last few months." She nodded. "Well, that's not completely true. There is one thing I’ve been withholding from you."

She took in a deep breath. "What was it?"

"After he raped you the second time. The Doctor discovered you were pregnant."

She was in complete shock.

He took her by the shoulders. "I made the decision to terminate the pregnancy and ordered the Doctor to withhold the information."

She sat there for a few moments, and when the words finally sunk into her consciousness, she slapped him hard across the face. "You had no right to make that decision for me." She said angrily.

"What would you have me do Kathryn?" He asked ignoring his stinging cheek. "Allow you to carry his child in the state you were in? You were already having a nervous breakdown and I couldn't put you through any more pain. I took that burden from you to protect you, to ease your suffering. Are you telling me you would have kept it?"

"You're not going to turn this around on me. You terminated it because you couldn't stand the thought of me carrying his child, that's the truth."

"Kathryn-" He began.

"You answer me dammit!" She demanded standing.

He stood up and looked directly in her eyes and replied. "Yes. Now you answer me. Would you have kept it?"

She took in a breath then answered. "No. I don't think I could have handled carrying his child." She replied as her hands unconsciously went to her stomach, her face taking on a pained expression. "His child growing in my womb. Feeling it move inside me. Just the thought of it repulses me." She said as a faraway look formed in her eyes, her mind racing as she stood thinking about it, clutching the fabric of her shirt, tugging at it angrily.

"I can't stand the thought that he was inside me." She said enraged. "His hands touching me, groping my body." She bent over slightly as if she were in pain and began stumbling around in a circle, looking as if she couldn't decide where to go or what to do, her hands continuing to pull at her shirt. "His fingers manipulating me. His mouth on my breasts." Her voice continued to rise with every word she spoke, working herself into a frenzy.

He knew she needed to get it out of her system and had been willing to let her be until she screamed in a voice so filled with rage and hatred that it unnerved him. Going to her, he pulled her to his chest as she continued to scream at the knowledge of what Foster had done. Her whole body shook with every cry as he held her tightly against him. "I hope you're burning in hell you fucking bastard!" She screamed before the sounds of grief took over. Her body went limp in his arms. Sliding one arm around her waist held her up as the other cradled the back of her head. Turning his hips, he gently rocked her from side to side, all the while making soothing sounds against her ear, attempting to calm her.

Her body shuttered every time she cried out. Her hands gripped his back as she buried her mouth in his shoulder, muffling her cries as she grieved. When she started to hyperventilate, he moved her mouth away from his shoulder. "Calm down and breathe." He instructed, but she continued gasping for air. "Breathe Kathryn!" He demanded.

"Can't-get-breath-" She said pushing herself away from him before falling to her hands and knee's gasping.

Sitting down next to her, he grasped her around the waist and forced her to lean against his chest. Grabbing her arms, he lifted them above her head to lengthen her torso. Holding her arms in the air, he held them together by her wrists with one hand before using the other to open her airway. Speaking softly, but firmly against her ear, he said. "Now I want you to calm down and focus on taking long slow deep breaths." He said then began breathing against her ear the way he instructed. "Do it with me, Kathryn." He said then breathed against her ear again.

Forcing herself to focus, it helped that he was providing an audible example. She concentrated on matching his breathing until she was breathing normally again, then he laid her hands in her lap. "Thanks." She said closing her eyes as she continued to lean back against him.

"You're welcome." He replied wrapping his arms around her. With her head still laying against his shoulder, he saw a smile spread across her lips, making him smile back. From that point on he knew things were going to get a lot better. She had allowed herself to get angry, and to finally grieve.


	5. Chapter 5

Over the next five months, more and more of his things ended up being moved to her quarters until he had taken up permanent residence. They slept together, holding each other during the night, but that's as far as it went. There wasn't anything sexual going on between them, they hadn't even kissed. It wasn't that he didn't want her, but she wasn't ready, and he understood that. When she was ready, she'd let him know.

There were several times the sexual tension between them was almost more than he could stand. It was at those times he would test the waters by attempting to kiss her. She would move away or turn her head to the side, and he would back off without a word, letting her be. After all these months of holding her, sharing her bed, his desire to touch her, make love to her, was almost debilitating. So, he dealt with it and did his best to ignore his body's natural urges.

Entering her quarters, both were dressed in sportswear and carrying hand towels. Laughing, Kathryn punched him lightly in the ribs as he threw the towel over his shoulder. "That's it. You're dead meat." He said playfully as he pulled the towel from his shoulder and began twisting it in the air holding it between both hands.

She backed up and held her hands out in front of her to block the imminent strike. "Don't even think about it." She said trying to make her voice sound authoritative, but it came out sounding amused. She enjoyed this playful side of their relationship. It had gotten her through some rough times over the last few months. She had come to depend on him, needed him. She couldn't imagine a day without him in her life.

With a smile on his face, he headed toward her as she continued backing up through the doorway of the bedroom. Lightly, he struck out at her with the towel knowing that she'd grab it, and this time was no different. When she did, he pulled her to him. Letting go, he started tickling her ribs, making her drop the towel as she pushed against him laughing. "Oh no, you don't." He said wrapping one arm around her waist and pulled her to him. "You're not getting away that easy. I warned you." He said laughing, attacking her ribs again.

She was trying to push him away, but he held her tight. Gasping and laughing, she bucked so hard they fell onto the bed. When they started to fall, he shifted his weight to keep from crushing her. She was gripping his arm and shoulder as they fell to keep from injuring each other as they bounced up before settling back down.

Laying partially on top, he looked at her as she smiled back up at him. God, she looked so beautiful lying there with her hair spread across the mattress, her cheeks flushed from laughter.

Her smile faded when she saw the familiar look in his eyes. Slowly he leaned in to kiss her, and she turned her face to the side, making him give a frustrated sigh softly against her neck. Getting off, he sat on the edge of the bed and dropped his face into his hands. 

Sitting up and said, "I'm sorry Chakotay, I can't."

"I know." He replied into his hands before scrubbing his face in frustration before dropping them.

"I just need more time." She said softly.

Sighing he leaned his head back and closed his eyes. "I know you do, and I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want, but I don't know how much longer I can go on this way."

"What are you saying? That you want to leave?" She asked sounding frightened by the thought.

"Want to? No. Must? Maybe."

"Are you giving me an ultimatum?"

He turned to her, "No, what I'm trying to say is that it's hard for me to sleep with you, holding you each night, and not be able to show you any deeper affection. If I didn't love you so much, I wouldn't be so damn frustrated all the time." He sighed. "I know you don't want to hear this, but I want you, Kathryn. I want to kiss you, I want to touch you, and I want to make love to you. So, I have to ask." He said taking her hand and looking into her eyes. "Do you want me, Kathryn? Because if you don't please tell me and I'll never ask you again."

She hesitated, her eyes taking on a worried expression. Looking away she replied softly. "I do."

"Then what is it? What's holding you back?" When she didn't respond, he took her chin and turned it toward him, making her look him in the eyes.

His eyes were kind, but they were filled with questions. Questions she didn't want to answer. "I'm afraid to tell you."

"Have I ever given you a reason to be?" She shook her head slightly. "Then tell me what it is."

"Please don't make me say it." She pleaded softly, her eyes filling with tears.

Taking her in his arms she cried softly against his shoulder as he rubbed her back. Turning his head, he spoke against her hair. "It's him isn't it?" When she cried harder against his shoulder, holding on to him for dear life his question was answered. "You were afraid that if you told me that I'd leave, didn't you?" She nodded. "Oh Kathryn, I thought you knew me better than that." He replied holding her closer as he rocked her slightly back and forth. "I love you. Will always love you. I couldn't change that even if I wanted to. I've been in love with you for five years and if it hasn't gone away by now it's never going away. Do you believe me?" She nodded again. Kissing her hair, he continued. "I know the thought of sex is frightening because of what he did to you. I know it's left you feeling vulnerable and exposed, two of the things you want to feel the least. That's all it was, sex, there was no love there. It can be a wonderful thing when it's shared between two people who love each other, and I know you know that. The act alone has become frightening for you because you can't think about sex without thinking about him. He's become a barrier, preventing you from moving on with your life. All I'm asking of you Kathryn is to let me try to break that barrier down. To turn the mere act into something beautiful again. I can't take away your fear, only you can do that. I wish I could." 

She pulled back to look into his eyes, she needed to see what was in them, and what she saw was pain. Seeing her like this was killing him, and it was killing her as well, but she could also see how much he truly loved her, and at this moment she was willing to try because she did want him as much as he wanted her.

Putting her fingers to his lips she felt them with her fingertips. He did nothing, letting her explore. She stroked his forehead, his nose, his cheek, his chin. Slowly she ran her fingers down his neck. Raising her other hand, she stroked his chest, his shoulders, his arms. All the while he sat perfectly still. Letting her take this at her pace. Her eyes followed the movement of her hands. Then when she had reached his, she looked back up into his eyes and what she saw in them nearly took her breath away. There was desire, but as she continued to stare into them, she could see his love for her as well. If she couldn't see that she would have pulled away.

Slowly she leaned toward him and touched her lips to his softly, and when there came no physical force, no domination of will, she closed her eyes and explored further. Opening her mouth, she touched her tongue to his lips, and they parted. Sliding her tongue into his mouth, she touched it to his and he gently caressed hers. She felt herself wanting him, needing him to kiss her back. Opening her mouth wider she invited him in, and he accepted.

Slowly and gently he inserted his tongue into her mouth and deepened the kiss. Her hands slid slowly up his chest to his neck and pressed her mouth harder against his. He was afraid to touch her, unsure of what she'd do if he did, so he started with something small. He placed his hands gently on her waist.

At his touch, she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. Slowly he slid his hands up her back before pulling her closer, returning the passion in equal measure. She found herself so absorbed in this man that he was all she could think about. Pulling back, she laid her cheek on his and caught her breath as he did the same. After a few moments passed she whispered. "Touch me."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded against his cheek and replied. "I've never been so sure about anything."

Laying her back on the bed he laid next to her. Lifting his hand, he stroked her cheek, her lips, her chin, before letting his fingers slide down her neck. Just before he reached her breasts he stopped, and she opened her eyes to look at him. "We can stop right now if you want." He said seriously. Laying her hand over his, she slid his hand to her breast. Closing her eyes, she moaned softly at the contact.

She felt his lips on hers again as he caressed her breast gently through the fabric and she opened her mouth to let him enter. His hand slid down and caressed her stomach before moving to her hip where it remained until she slid his hand between her legs, urging him to touch her.

When he began to stroke her through her pants she moaned into his mouth as she spread her legs to give him more room. After a few minutes, he slid his hand under the elastic of her pants and panties. She gasped in pleasure as he once again continued stroking her with his fingers. He moved away from her mouth to kiss her jawline, her neck, then below her left ear. She gasped as her body pushed upward.

He continued to bring her closer to orgasm while she rocked her hips against his hand. Her hands gripped his arm and shoulder as her breathing became ragged. Suddenly she arched her back as waves of pleasure coursed through her body. She couldn't remember coming so hard in her life. Her lips parted as she cried out. "Chakotay!" Before the orgasm faded, leaving her spent and out of breath.

Sliding his hand out, he kissed the corner of her mouth before whispering. "I love you, Kathryn, always."

She smiled and whispered. "I love you too." Pulling her to his chest, he held her. She hadn't felt this peaceful and content in months. Breathing in his scent, she closed her eyes and allowed herself to drift off to sleep.

***

The next morning in her ready room, she sat thinking about what transpired between them yesterday afternoon. He had been right when he said how the mere thought of sex had been frightening to her because of what happened. She had been clinging to him as a safety net, knowing he would never push her further than she was willing to go. If it had been anyone but Chakotay she wouldn't have been willing to push her fears aside. She loved him with every fiber of her being, as she knew he did her. If she had any doubts, she couldn't have gone through with it.

Part of the reason she had been so resistant to the idea was she couldn't imagine having sex without the image of Randy Foster creeping into her thoughts. She had resigned herself into believing that she would never have sex again.

Chakotay had made her first experience with sex, after years of denying herself that simple pleasure, and especially after what happened, enjoyable. She had been so absorbed in him and what he was doing to her the image of Foster never crept into her thoughts. In fact, he was the furthest thing from her mind but wondered if that would continue to ring true once she decided to let him make love to her.

Allowing someone to touch you verses having intercourse were two different things. The result was the same, but there's no worrying about putting yourself into a position that left you completely vulnerable, and that was something she had been far too familiar with in recent months.

She hated the feeling no matter the situation, no matter the circumstance, but at the same time, she knew it was inevitable. It happens to everyone, but not necessarily to the same degree, she had experienced. It all came down to trust, and whether she could trust him to stop if she couldn't go through with it, that was the question. In the heat of passion, a person is driven by desire and instinct. Could he force himself to stop if he had to? Could she do that to him? She had made the first move after all, so how could she take it back? She couldn't, not without hurting him. _"Why are you looking for excuses? That's not at all like you Kathryn. You've never backed down from anything unless you had no choice, so why are you doing so now? You either trust him or you don’t. There’s no in-between. He loves you, would kill for you if necessary and you know it._

 _"Can you remember the look on his face when he found you in your quarters the next morning after your rape? The hurt, pain, and anger in his eyes as he lifted you off the floor. The tears in his eyes when you started screaming? You remember, don't you? Let him love you, allow him to love you. Don't turn your back on the best thing to ever walk into your life. You've already kept him at arm's length for too many years."_ Her mind told her. _"Don't let him go. Hang onto him, Kathryn. That kind of love is hard enough to come by as it is. Most people spend their whole lives searching for it. Consider yourself one of the lucky ones. Reach out your hand and take it. You deserve to be loved, never forget that."_

Leaning back in her chair she let out a sigh. "You deserve so much Chakotay. More than what you've been getting." She whispered.

**One Week Later...**

Lying awake, Chakotay lay beside her asleep on his back. Turning on her side she looked at him. He hadn't been sleeping well, partly because he had been trying to suppress his desires. _"He loves you, would kill for you if necessary. Don't turn your back on the best thing to walk into your life. Most people spend their whole lives searching for it. You deserve to be loved, never forget that."_ Those thoughts kept running through her mind as she gazed upon his face.

She did want him, and she did mean it when she told him several months ago that she wanted to spend the rest of her life in love with him, that she wanted to be the mother of his children. How she wanted to wake up every morning for the rest of her life with him beside her. Gently she lifted her hand and placed it to his cheek and caressed it. He stirred but did not wake. Using her thumb, she brushed it across his lips before allowing her fingers to slide down his neck.

His lips parted slightly as she lightly stroked his chest before letting it slide across his stomach. He looked like he was trying to wake up but seemed reluctant. She knew he thought he was dreaming. Why would he believe it was happening when she had never touched him like this before? Looking down his body she noticed his erection under the blanket, and for the first time in months, she really wanted to touch him.

Sliding her hand under the blanket she rubbed his groin, causing a soft moan to escape his lips. Upon hearing it she became instantly aroused and made the decision she really wanted to make love with him. There was no longer any doubt, any hesitation. She wanted him as much as she knew he wanted her. So, she decided to wake him and let him know he wasn't dreaming.

Pulling down the blanket, she straddled him before leaning down to kiss his neck as one hand went to his shoulder while the other held his neck. His eyes opened, and he was stunned to discover that she was on top of him. He thought he was dreaming about it. "Kathryn, what are you doing?" He choked out as she sucked on his earlobe.

"What does it look like?" She whispered before kissing his neck again, making him gasp.

"Don't do this to me unless you plan on seeing this through to the end. I'm too frustrated to stop myself if you change your mind."

It was his honesty that made her pull back to look at him more than his words. "I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, more than what I've cared to. I know you love me as much as I love you, and I trust you. If I didn't then I wouldn't have shared my bed with you. I couldn't have fallen asleep every night in your arms, and I certainly wouldn't have let you touch me like you did the other day.

"For the past few months, I've been hanging on to what I know is safe, not having to make any commitments or promises. I know I want you, and up until now, I've been too afraid of all the what-ifs to see past my own fear. We can't go on this way anymore, it's killing us. I want us to be happy, to do the things that other couples do. I love you Chakotay and I want to express it. Let me make love to you."

"No." Her face fell. "I want us to make love together." Then smiled.

Smiling, she touched his cheek and nodded. "Together." She agreed softly.

"Have I ever told you how much I love you?"

"Yes, but I don't mind you telling me again."

"I plan on it." He replied before rolling her gently onto her back and kissed her.

Holding him by the neck she returned his kiss with a passion she hadn’t allowed herself to truly experience in years. Laying partially on top of her his hand stroked her stomach through the nightgown before moving lower to stroke the inside of her thighs. She spread her legs apart to give him room. When he slid his hand between her legs she moaned into his mouth before sliding her hand down his chest to rub his groin. He moaned and slipped his hand into her panties as she slid her hand into his boxers.

They lay there working each other into a frenzy; touching, licking, and kissing the other until she'd had enough. "I need you inside me Chakotay." She breathed into his ear, pulling down on his boxers. When he sat up, she came up with him and kissed his neck while his hands fumbled with her panties, unable to grasp them. "I can't concentrate with you kissing me like that."

She smiled against his neck before moving up to his ear. "You mean like this?" She whispered before sucking his earlobe gently. Once she had discovered his erogenous zone, she took full advantage of it.

He moaned as his hands gripped her thighs. "Kathryn." He said trying not to lose complete control of himself. When she pulled back, he loosened his grip. Smiling, she looked into his eyes as she reached down and rubbed his groin. He closed his eyes and gripped her thighs again as the air was sucked rapidly through his teeth. "Unless you want me to have an orgasm right now, I suggest you stop." He said finally. Releasing him, he opened his eyes. She had a lop-sided grin on her face. "You're enjoying this, aren't you? Torturing me like this." He said with a smile. Her smile broadened as he saw the amusement in her eyes. "You think this is amusing?" He asked. She nodded slightly, trying not to laugh. "All right." He replied playfully. "Tell me what you think of this." He said and slid his hand quickly into her panties and thrust two fingers inside her before stroking her clit with his thumb. She gasped and allowed her head to fall back as pleasure overwhelmed her senses.

Wrapping his arm around her, he held her up as he continued to bring her to the edge of orgasm. She gripped his arm and shoulder as waves of pleasure flooded her body. When her breathing became ragged, he stopped and pulled his hand out. She stared at him as her chest rose and fell heavily, trying to catch her breath. The amusement she had felt earlier evaporated and was replaced by desire.

Standing, she moved to the foot of the bed as Chakotay turned to sit on the edge facing her. Reaching under her nightgown, she pulled down her panties and let them fall to her ankles. Stepping out of them, she pushed aside the straps of the gown before tugging on it, letting it slide down her body and pool around her feet. Chakotay feasted upon her beautiful naked body as she stepped out of the gown and walked toward him.

Putting one hand on her hip the other reached out and held her right breast before taking her nipple into his mouth, sucking it gently. Moaning, she leaned her head back as her hands went to his head, running them through his hair. Raising her head, she watched as he directed his attention to her other breast.

After a couple of seconds, she reached down and began lifting his shirt. He stopped to let her pull it over his head before she tossed it aside. Pushing him away gently, he allowed himself to lay back. Her hands reached and grasped the edges of his boxers and pulled them off. Straddling him, she took him in her hand before taking him inside her. A soft moan escaped their lips as she began rocking her hips. Placing both hands on her bottom, he began moving his hips in time with her thrusts.

She continued to moan as he sat up and nestled his face between the valley of her breasts. After a couple of minutes, he stood holding her as she wrapped her legs around his waist. Turning, he laid her on her back with him still inside her and began thrusting into her as his luscious lips kissed her neck.

Closing her eyes, she was aware of everything he was doing. His fingers stroking her breast, the way his tongue licked the exposed flesh of her neck. The feel of his skin touching hers, and especially how he felt inside her. She could feel her orgasm building in the pit of her stomach as he continued to thrust into her. Then it expanded and took over.

Arching her back, she gripped his neck and shoulder as her legs tightened around his waist. Her head fell against the pillow as her mouth opened wide. Her moans becoming louder until she was crying out his name. "Oh, Chakotay! Ahh...God!"

When he felt her tightening around him, it wasn't long before his own orgasm took over. One hand gripped her hip as the other gripped the sheet, his face buried in her neck. "Kathryn! Oh...Ahh!" He cried out as he came inside her.

Coming down from their high. Chakotay pulled back to look upon her face and smiled before brushing her cheek with his thumb. She smiled back as she held him loosely by his upper arms. "You're an amazing woman Kathryn, and I thank whatever power out there that you were brought into my life. I love you." His words touched her in such a profound way that her eyes shone with tears. "Is something wrong?" He asked concerned.

She shook her head slightly. "I was thinking the same thing about you. I don't know what it was I did to deserve you, but I hope I keep doing it."

His smile widened. Leaning down he kissed her softly, conveying his feelings through actions rather than words. He didn't think it possible he could love her any more than what he already did. When the kiss ended, he stroked her cheek with his thumb and smiled. She smiled back at him. "I want to ask you something, but I don't want you to feel pressured to answer me right away. If you need some time to think about-"

"Just ask me." She interrupted, softly placing her fingers to his lips, and silenced him.

He nodded and took a breath. "I was wondering if you would consider marrying me."

"Yes."

"If you want to take-"

She placed her fingers back over his mouth and smiled. "I said yes."

He looked stunned for a second, unable to believe if he heard her correctly. "You will?"

She nodded. "I told you that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Getting married seems to be a natural conclusion."

"I guess so." He smiled. Noticing the look in her eyes it took a moment to understand the message she was trying to convey. "Again?"

"That is if you want to." She replied giving him a lop-sided grin.

"Hmm. Let me think about this." He replied jokingly. "Turn down an incredibly beautiful and sexy woman, or roll over and go to sleep? What do you think I am insane?" He smiled amused and she laughed. "You know this is only going to encourage me."

"I certainly hope so." She replied kissing him.

**Seven Months Later...**

Sitting at a table in a strip club Tom created, Tom, Harry, The Doctor, Neelix, and several other male crewmen and officers filled the room. Tom stood up and tapped his glass with a spoon to get everyone's attention. The conversation died down as everyone turned to look. "I would like to propose a toast to a man who we've all come to know pretty well over the last seven years, one that I'm happy to call a friend. Tomorrow he leaves his bachelorhood behind and puts on the shackles all married men must wear. I'm not sure how he's going to manage not only working with the captain but being married to her. You have my deepest sympathies." He joked and everyone laughed. "Let me be serious for a moment."

"When has that ever happened?" Harry said giving him a hard time as everyone continued to laugh.

Tom smiled good-naturedly before raising his glass and everyone did the same. "I wish you health, love, and happiness."

"Here! Here!" Harry chimed in as everyone took a drink.

"Does anyone else have anything they'd like to say before we get this party started?" Tom asked.

"I do." Lieutenant Ayala said stepping forward. "I've known Chakotay since we were both Maquis, and in that time, he’s had a few women in his life, but none of them have made him seem more at peace than Captain Janeway. I wish you all the happiness in the world, not to mention the best sex you've ever had in your life." He added and everyone laughed before taking a drink.

"There's not a person on deck two who doesn't know when they're having sex." Lieutenant Whyte chimed in as the sounds of hoots and whistles mixed in with the laughter.

Chakotay took it all in good humor, just as it was intended. Standing he asked smiling. "Jealous Whyte?"

"You'd better believe it." He replied returning the smile before taking another drink of his beer and everybody laughed.

"All right," Tom said. "What do you say we bring out Chakotay's surprise?"

Everybody shouted their approval. "What surprise?" Chakotay asked as Tom, Harry, and Ayala escorted him up on the stage and sat him down in the chair.

"Trust me," Tom replied.

"Why is it when I hear you say those two words it puts a knot in my stomach?"

Tom only smiled and faced the crowd. "Direct from the French Quarter in New Orleans, please give a warm welcome to Monique."

The lights change to blue and red as Tom, Harry, and Ayala left the stage. Chakotay turned his head and saw a woman dressed in an emerald green evening gown with a slit down the side and adorning long black gloves that stopped just past her elbows. Her long black hair was piled on top of her head except for a few long strands curled into ringlets that framed her porcelain white face and skin. She was exceptionally beautiful for a hologram.

"Let Me Entertain You a.k.a. The Stripper's Song" begins to play as she made her way over to Chakotay while removing one of her gloves. Getting it off, she held it between her hands and put it behind his neck while bringing up one leg and placed it between his on the chair before pulling him toward her. Everyone whistled and hollered as she shimmed in his face before releasing him.

Turning around, she reached down and pulled off her skirt, leaving her dressed in a negligee with fishnet stockings that were held up by guarders. Tossing her skirt into the audience, it landed on top of the Doctor's head as he was snapping a few holo pictures. Harry, Tom, and Neelix howled with laughter as he pulled the skirt from his head. Turning around he looked at the three men and said. "I'm glad to see you find this so amusing."

"You have to admit it was pretty funny Doc," Harry said laughing.

"I see. Well, let's find out how funny you think this is." He said tossing it over his head and snapped a picture. Tom laughed as Harry pulled it off his head and tossed it over Tom's. Tom pulled it off and tossed it over Neelix's.

When Tom looked back at Chakotay, Monique was straddling him while using her other glove behind his neck to pull him toward her chest. Chakotay looked back over at him and shook his fist playfully. Tom held up his glass of beer and smiled before taking a drink.

***

Kathryn was in holodeck two sitting at a table in Sandrine's with B'Elanna, Seven, Samantha Wildman, and Lieutenants' Alycia Coyle and Judy Morrow. Several other women were shooting pool, playing darts, or just sitting at several tables drinking and talking.

"Captain-" Samantha asked.

"Please, we're not on duty, call me Kathryn."

She nodded. "Are you nervous about tomorrow?"

"Not at all." She answered even though she was shaking in her boots. "Were you nervous?"

"Terrified. I was shaking so badly that my voice kept quivering as I spoke my vows. It didn't help considering we had a Katarian ceremony."

"I'm not familiar with it," Kathryn said.

"During a Katarian ceremony, you not only have to recite your marriage vows, but the bride is required to make vows to the groom's family. If it's not to their liking they can call off the wedding."

"That's a bit harsh," Alycia commented.

"True, but they take marriage very seriously."

"I'll say." Judy agreed.

"Lieutenant Torres," Seven began. "You are half Klingon, but during your marriage to Lieutenant Paris, you decided not to perform a Klingon ceremony. I am curious to know why you decided against it."

"Well, I didn't partly because the house I belong to is in the Alpha Quadrant, and partly because I don't subscribe to most Klingon practices, that thought of being hit with pain sticks doesn't appeal to me."

"I remember the Doctor mentioning to me a few years ago that a clavicle broken on the wedding night is considered to be a blessing on the marriage," Kathryn said.

"That's right, I remember reading about that in comparative cultural behavior at the academy," Alycia said. "If I remember right Tom came to sickbay-"

"Let's not go there." B'Elanna interrupted then sucked in the air rapidly through her teeth as a hand went to her stomach.

"Are you all right?" Kathryn asked concerned.

"I'm fine." She replied after a couple of seconds. "The baby's just restless is all."

"When are you due again?" Judy asked.

"In about two months, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm tired of carrying this baby around."

"I know exactly how you feel. By the time I reached my seventh month with Naomi I was ready for it to be over with." Samantha replied sympathetically.

"Well Kathryn, when do you and Chakotay plan on having a baby?" B'Elanna asked.

Kathryn held up and hand and laughed. "One thing at a time B'Elanna, we’re not even married yet."

"I know, but I'm sure you've discussed it."

"To tell the truth the subject hasn't come up."

"Do you want children Captain?" Seven asked.

"I've thought about having a child someday, but not anytime soon. I'd like to get this ship home first."

"That may not be a possibility considering we still have thirty thousand light-years to traverse before we reach the Alpha Quadrant." Seven pointed out.

"I realize that," Kathryn replied. "What do you say we talk about something else."

The women nodded but there were still several questions hanging in the air, and she could see it in their eyes when they spoke, but after a while, their moods seemed to improve, and everyone was once again laughing and joking.

***

Janeway was already in bed asleep when Chakotay entered their quarters. Quietly he entered the bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed to remove his boots, the gentle vibrations were enough to wake her. Turning on her side she saw his back. "Chakotay?" She questioned sleepily.

He turned to face her and took her outstretched hand and gave it a squeeze. "I'm sorry I woke you, go back to sleep."

"What time is it?" She asked with a yawn.

"Just after zero-two-hundred."

"Did you have a good time?"

"Yes, but I want you to know if you ever see the holo pictures the Doctor took of me with a stripper she was Tom's idea."

"A stripper?" She asked amused.

He nodded. "Apparently during the twentieth to mid-twenty-first centuries, strippers were common at bachelor parties." He replied walking over to retrieve a t-shirt and boxers from the drawer in the closet. "How was your party? Any strippers?"

She laughed. "No, we went to Sandrine's and had a few drinks, played a few games of pool, some darts, and talked. Then about midnight, we all decided to call it."

"Did you have fun?" He asked changing into them and placed his uniform in the recycler after setting his com. badge and pips on the nightstand before crawling into bed.

"Yes, I did. It was nice just to get away from ships business for a while and talk." She replied snuggling up to him. Lifting his arm, she laid her head on his shoulder before he brought his arm down around her.

"Having any second thoughts?" He asked.

"Second, third, fourth, but I still want to marry you if that's what you're asking."

"It is, and I'm glad to hear you haven't changed your mind." He replied hugging her. "Let's get some sleep, shall we? We have a long day tomorrow."

"Sounds good to me." She said giving him a kiss before closing her eyes and drifting back to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Everyone who had been able to attend Janeway and Chakotay's wedding agreed that it was a lovely ceremony. It took place in the holodeck under the moon of a warm summer evening in Indiana against the background of a large lake. Tuvok had performed the ceremony. But what the crew would remember most were the wedding vows. Not one person who heard them speak had any doubt the words they spoke to each other were deeply felt.

Once it was over, everyone moved to the mess hall for the reception. Every table was occupied. Sitting at Janeway and Chakotay's table were Tom, B'Elanna, Seven, Harry, Neelix, Tuvok, and The Doctor. Tapping his glass, Tom stood up as everyone quieted down to let him speak. "As the best man, I'm expected to say a few words."

"Whatever you do Tom, don't mention marriage and shackles in the same sentence." Harry joked. A lot of the men laughed knowing exactly where his comment came from.

"Very funny Harry." He replied flatly.

Kathryn leaned toward Chakotay and asked. "What did Harry mean by that?"

"I'll tell you later." He replied with a smile and she nodded before returning her attention back to Tom.

"When I met Commander Chakotay several years ago through the Maquis. We didn't hit it off very well, and that was my fault. He knew I wasn't there because I hated Cardassians, I was there looking for a fight, and joining the Maquis was the easiest way to find one. I'm glad that after all these years I've finally gotten a chance to know him.

"I also remember the first time I met Captain Janeway. She was standing over me while I was working on a hovercraft at the prison colony. I had heard of her before then, but I didn't care. If it meant getting out of that prison colony for a while it was the only thing that mattered. When we became stranded in the Delta Quadrant it was, she who gave me the chance to become a better person." Holding up his glass everyone does the same. "Here's to the both of you. I wish you all the happiness, joy, and love in the world. Congratulations." Sounds of here! here! and Congratulations echo throughout the room before everyone takes a drink from their glass. "Would anyone else like to say anything?"

"I would," Harry said. Tom sat as Harry stood. "Until I stepped aboard this ship six years ago, I didn't know either one of them, but I'm glad to say I gotten the chance over the years. When Captain Janeway made Commander Chakotay her first officer I have to say I was uncomfortable with her decision, but over time I couldn't have asked for a better team to serve under. I wish you both the best of luck." He raised his glass and took another drink as everyone did the same. 

One by one, each of them at the table and a few people at the others, shared their feelings as well as their best wishes.

Three hours later Janeway and Chakotay left for the holodeck to begin their honeymoon. It was a small inn in Paris, France. It was a beautiful room that had a spectacular view of the Eiffel Tower. Entering, Chakotay headed for the bed and laid down. Kathryn took a seat next to him. "Tired?" She asked.

"A little." Patting his leg, she stood up but was stopped when she felt his arms circle her waist and pull her back down on the bed. Pulling the hair away from her neck he began kissing her just below her left ear. She moaned and reached back to wrap an arm around his neck.

Keeping one arm wrapped around her waist, he slid the other up her stomach until he reached her breast. Caressing it through her shirt, another series of moans escaped her lips as she closed her eyes. Moving away from her breast, he brought up both hands and unbuttoned it. Pulling it apart, he cupped her breasts through her bra before letting one hand slide down between her legs and began stroking her through her pants.

Both of her arms were wrapped around his neck as she leaned back against him, rocking her hips against his hand. Moving away from her neck he whispered into her ear. "I've been waiting to get you alone all day." He said as he unfastened her pants and slid his hand into her panties. She couldn't reply, only moan in pleasure as his hand continued to manipulate her. After several minutes she laid a hand on top of the one he had in her panties as her breathing became ragged. When she came, she gripped the back of his neck along with his hand as she arched her back, crying out her release as he continued to manipulate her, holding her around the waist while she orgasmed.

When her orgasm began to subside, he laid her back and moved partially on top of her as he kissed her neck. Raising her hands, she placed them in his hair as she felt his erection pressing against her leg. Moving to her ear he said. "I want you, Kathryn." His hands continuing to stroke her body.

Every part of her skin felt extremely sensitive and the impulses her body was sending her nearly left her feeling overwhelmed. "Then take me." She replied finding her voice.

When he pulled back, she sat up and her hands went to his pants and unfastened them before tugging them and his underwear off. Taking off her pants and panties he tossed them aside before laying her back on the bed. Spreading her legs, she welcomed him as he moved between them and entered her with a moan.

He began moving slowly at first, trying to make himself last. When she began sucking on his earlobe he almost came right then. She rolled him onto his back and took over, rocking her hips as she placed both hands on his chest for support. Grasping her hips, he thrust into her as the orgasm continued to build in the pit of his stomach until it finally exploded.

Gripping her hips, he sat up with a loud moan. Wrapping her arms around him, she held him against her chest while she continued to rock her hips as he came inside her. "Oh Kathryn . . . god, you feel good." He said sucking the air rapidly through his teeth as gasps and moans continued to escape his lips. She loved to watch the look on his face as he came. The eyes closed, his mouth gaping open.

When it passed, his body relaxed. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he laid his head against her chest breathing heavily. Stroking his head and upper back, she held him as he caught his breath. When his breathing slowed, he slid his hands up her back and held her to him as he turned his head and put his lips to her chest then blew against it, making her laugh.

Slapping his back lightly, he pulled back and smiled up at her as she looked back at him laughing softly. "You make me very happy Kathryn, thank you." He said.

Brushing her fingers across his forehead she pushed back his sweat-soaked hair. "You're welcome." She replied before kissing his lips slowly and gently, reigniting his passion. They didn't get out of bed for the rest of the day.

***

Two months later Tom and B'Elanna gave birth to a son named Joseph Aaron Paris. The news traveled like wildfire throughout the ship, and everyone was quick to congratulate them. That evening after Janeway and Chakotay returned to their quarters, Kathryn headed for the replicator. "I'm going to replicate a cup of coffee; would you like one?"

"Sure." He replied taking a seat on the sofa. Ordering the coffee, they materialized, and she picked them up before walking toward him. Handing him a mug, he took it before she sat down next to him. After taking a sip of his coffee he said. "Seeing Tom and B'Elanna's baby has gotten me thinking about us having one of our own."

"I see." She replied with a sigh and sat down her cup on the coffee table. "I knew the subject would come up sooner or later."

"You don't sound very enthused about it. Have you changed your mind?"

"No, it's just that I don't want to have one right now. I'd like to get this ship home first."

"Kathryn, it could be another thirty years before we see the Alpha Quadrant, and by then it will be too late. If we're going to have any children, it will have to be soon. Neither of us are getting any younger."

"I realize that, but I have a responsibility to this crew. If we were to have a baby right now my attention would be divided, and the crew doesn't deserve that. They need me to be there for them at all times."

Sitting down his cup on the table he said. "Now you're just making excuses. If you don't want a baby just say so, but don't try to justify your decision by saying the crew needs your undivided attention."

"I'm sorry if you believe that's what I'm doing, but it happens to be the truth."

He sighed. "All right you win. I'm not going to sit here and argue with you about it."

"I'm not trying to argue with you." She replied frustrated. "I'm just trying to explain my reasons for not having a baby right now."

"Fine, you've explained them." He said flatly.

"Don't act like that."

"Is that an order?"

"Do you want it to be?"

Standing he said. "Just forget I brought it up." Then headed for the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Out." Without another word he left.

She knew he wanted children, but with all the dangers the delta quadrant had to offer she didn't want to submit their child to that, and she wasn't lying when she said a baby would divide her attention. She already had enough distractions in her life without adding a baby to it. Leaning back into the sofa, she let out a frustrated sigh.

***

When she awoke at zero-seven hundred, she turned over to discover he wasn't there. Getting up, she reached the doorway to peer into the living room and didn't see Chakotay but noticed the pillow and blanket on the sofa. Smacking the door frame with the palm of her hand, she turned and went back into the bedroom. _"Why is he acting like this? I never said I didn't want children, I just said I didn't want them now."_ She thought agitated as she headed into the ‘fresher to get ready for her shift.

When she arrived on the bridge, Tuvok was sitting in Chakotay's chair. Stepping down onto the command deck she took her seat then asked. "Where's Commander Chakotay?"

"In cargo bay one. He is checking over the supplies we obtained two days ago."

"That's right, I guess it slipped my mind." She said before checking the console to her left. _"He'll be there most of the day."_ She thought. _"Well, perhaps some time apart will help clear his mind."_

When her shift ended, Chakotay was still down in cargo bay one. Heading back to their quarters, she held the two data padds in one hand as she opened the door and went inside. Setting them down on the desk, she took off her jacket and laid it across the back of the chair at her desk before ordering a cup of coffee from the replicator.

Cup in hand, she picked up the padds and took a seat on the chair in the living room before activating the first padd. After reading both padds, she checked the time, it was just after twenty hundred. "Computer." It beeped. "What is Commander Chakotay's current position?"

 _"Commander Chakotay is in the mess hall."_ It replied.

She sighed. _"If he wants to act childish so be it."_ She thought annoyed. Ordering a cup of soup, she ate then went to bed.

The next morning, she noticed that he had once again slept on the sofa. "All right that's it." She said angrily before getting ready for her shift. When she entered the bridge, Chakotay was talking to Ensign Kim at ops. Heading for them she said. "Commander I need to speak with you."

He didn't look up from the data padd in his hand. "I'll be with you in a moment." He answered dismissively.

Harry looked stunned at how he responded before looking over to Janeway. She had that look of death in her eyes that always unnerved him, he was glad it wasn't him she was staring at. Deadly serious she replied. "In my ready room." Turning, she walked past Tuvok and said. "Tuvok you have the bridge."

"Aye Captain."

Handing Harry, the data padd, he took his time following her and Harry couldn't help but wonder if he'd lost his mind making the Captain wait when she was obviously furious with him.

When he entered her ready room, she stood in front of the row of windows watching him as he approached. "I know you're upset, but what you just did out there is unacceptable. Do you think that because we're married it gives you the right to be insubordinate?"

"No, I apologize for the way I spoke to you Captain, it will not happen again." He replied professionally as he stood staring straight ahead with his hands behind his back. "Is there anything else Captain?"

"Why are you behaving like this?" She asked frustrated, and the fact that he wouldn't look at her bothered her quite a bit.

"In what way Captain?"

"This." She said gesturing at him. "Look at me." Slowly his head turned toward her, and she could see the hurt and anger in his eyes. Shaking her head slightly, she placed a hand to her forehead as she turned away from him. Looking out the window she slid it over her mouth in thought.

He could see her reflection in the glass, the hurt, and confusion on her face. Dropping his hands to his sides, he realized that he was, in fact, being a jerk. "I'm sorry Kathryn. I let my personal feelings get in the way even though I promised I wouldn't."

She dropped her hand and sighed. "I never said I didn't want children Chakotay, I just said that I didn't want them right now."

"That may have been the way you intended it, but it didn't come out that way." He replied. She turned to look at him. "By my understanding, you didn't want us to have a baby until we were back in the alpha quadrant."

"That's right." She agreed.

"That could be thirty years from now, so in actuality, we would never have any children. I want us to have a baby when we're both young enough to enjoy it. I want to be able to play with it, carry it on my shoulders, hold it in my arms." Approaching her, he put a hand on her waist and the other on her stomach. "I want to enjoy seeing you pregnant. To watch your stomach, grow over the months knowing that you're carrying our child in your womb. That's what I want Kathryn, and if it must be here then so be it. I wouldn't choose the delta quadrant either, but this is what we're left with. No one's put their lives on hold so why should you? You're no different than any other woman on this ship." She opened her mouth to protest but stopped when he put a finger to her lips to silence her. "I know you're the captain, I don't think anyone could forget that."

She smiled; he knew her too well sometimes. If she didn't know better, she'd swear he was a telepath. "I understand what you're saying, and I would like for us to have a child, but we're talking about something that will alter our lives forever, and I'm not prepared to make any quick decisions. I need more time to think about it, all right?"

Wrapping his arms around her waist he nodded and smiled. "Permission to kiss the Captain?"

"I don't know," She joked. "If I let you do it then others will expect it."

He leaned in and replied. "Let them suffer." Then kissed her passionately.

***

The more she saw of the Paris' baby Joseph the more she kept thinking about what Chakotay said. He was right, it could be thirty years before they made it home. She did want a baby, but she couldn't stop thinking about how much of her time would be devoted to it. She would have Chakotay after all, it wouldn't be as if he would expect her to spend all her time caring for it. He would want to spend as much time with their child as he could, he was that kind of man, and she did have to admit that he would make an excellent father.

She had been resistant to hold the baby even after all the times they offered. It wasn't until she and B'Elanna had been left alone after Tom left to meet Harry in the holodeck that she had been asked to hold him so B'Elanna could get him a bottle. She had managed to avoid holding him for nearly a month and a half for one reason, it might make her want to have one.

As she sat there on the sofa bouncing him gently in her arms, making soothing sounds to quiet him, B'Elanna stood in the doorway of the nursery watching with a smile on her lips. After a couple of minutes, she had managed to quiet him. Leaning on the door frame she continued to watch in awed silence when she heard her humming a lullaby. She knew how much Chakotay wanted a baby, and she had promised him that she'd do whatever she could to help. It had taken a month and a half, but she finally put her into a position where she would have to hold Joseph.

Walking into the room just loud enough so she wouldn't scare her, Kathryn looked up. "Is he asleep?" B'Elanna asked.

"No."

"Here." She said offering her the bottle.

"Maybe you should-"

"He gets cranky if you move him once he's comfortable. After he eats, he'll go right back to sleep and I can take him then." Nodding, Kathryn took the bottle.

Taking a seat in the chair across from her, she leaned forward and watched as Joseph happily sucked on the milk from the bottle, Kathryn looked down at him with a lop-sided smile on her lips. After a couple of minutes, she asked. "I thought you were breastfeeding him?"

"I am, but I have a few bottles I've made up for Neelix to give him while I'm on duty." She replied looking down at her son before looking back up at her.

"I could be wrong here, but I smell a setup."

B'Elanna smiled. "If you say so. I just thought you'd like to feed him. You haven't held him once since he's been born. I was beginning to think you didn't like him."

"He's adorable, but you're being evasive." She replied.

B'Elanna looked down at her hands then looked back at her with a serious expression. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

She was hesitant for a moment. "Certainly, but don't be offended if I choose not to answer."

"Fair enough. What's the real reason why you don't want a baby?"

"I see you've been talking to Chakotay."

"Actually, he's been talking to me, and he told me your reasons why you don't want to have a baby right now but I'm just not buying it."

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"Personally, I think you're scared."

She laughed. "That's ridiculous."

"Is it?"

That was when she realized she knew more than she was telling. "You know something."

She nodded. "I practically had to beat it out of him before he told me."

"So, you know about . . .?"

"You're pregnancy?" Kathryn nodded. "I remember how he was after he found out. It nearly killed him. I was the only one who could talk to him, mostly because I've known him for so long. He's always wanted a family, and he has never met a woman who made him feel the way you do. I thought it would never happen, but when you returned from the planet you named New Earth a peace overcame him that I've never seen before, and it was you who gave that to him.

"He loves you, and I'm not talking about some kind of love a person settles for, I'm talking about a love that fills every fiber of your being, a love that gives you a reason to wake up every morning. I never knew that kind of love until I met Tom, so I know exactly how he feels. We had a baby because we wanted to bind us even closer together, to give life to a child that came out of our love for each other, something we could touch, and see, and hold. Something that was a part of us, and that's what he wants. He wants the two of you to have what we have, something that's a part of both of you. Something that will endure long after you're gone. Until I met Tom, I never thought that was important, now I can't imagine a day without him or our son."

Kathryn was so moved by her words that she felt like crying and B'Elanna could see it in her eyes. Then she looked down at her son. He had almost finished the entire bottle before he gave up and fell asleep. "I think he's finished." She said gesturing to him with her eyes. Kathryn looked down and took the bottle out of his mouth. As she continued to look down at him, B'Elanna could tell she was thinking about it, really considering it. Taking the bottle from her hand she said. "I'll be right back." She only nodded. Leaving the room, she decided to give her a little more time to think, and perhaps holding her son would help make up her mind.


	7. Chapter 7

**One Month Later...**

Standing in his t-shirt and boxers, Chakotay came out of the ‘fresher with a confused expression on his face. Lying in bed, Kathryn looked up at him from her book and asked. "What's wrong honey?"

"I can't find my conceptive booster. I just saw it two days ago in the ‘fresher drawer where I always keep it, and now it's not there."

"Oh." She replied simply looking back at her book.

"Oh?" He repeated bewildered. "Is that all you have to say? Have you forgotten that if I don't take it tonight, we'll have to start all over? I don't know about you, but I can't wait another month before I can touch you again." He said trying to emphasize the importance of the situation.

"I know." She replied not looking up from her book.

He stared at her as if she'd lost her mind. "All right, who are you and what have you done with my wife?"

Continuing to stare at her book she forced back a smile and said. "I moved it."

He stood there staring at her, trying to fully comprehend what she said as she sat reading her book. Answering his questions as if she were telling him where she put his extra toothbrush instead of his conceptive booster. Finally moving his legs, he sat down next to her on the bed and removed the book from her hands before setting it on the nightstand. Taking her gently by the shoulders he said. "Listen to me very carefully. I need to touch you bad, and I can't do that until I've taken my booster. Do you understand?"

"Yes honey, I understand perfectly." She replied, a smile tugging at her lips.

"So, I need to know what you did with it."

"I put it away because we're not going to need it for a while."

"What?" He replied in disbelief.

A lop-sided grin spread across her lips. "Well, I can't get pregnant if we're taking our boosters, now can I?"

He shook his head slightly in confusion. "But I thought- you said you didn't-" His grip on her shoulders loosened.

Grabbing him around the neck she kissed him, cutting him off. After a couple of seconds, he regained his senses and pulled back. "Hold on a minute here. Are you saying you want to try for a baby?" He asked seriously.

She nodded. "I've been thinking it over the last month and I realized that the real reason I didn't want to have a baby is because I was afraid. Don't get me wrong, I did mean what I said before, but you were right when you said I was using it as an excuse. I want us to have a baby Chakotay, and I want to have it when we're both young enough to enjoy it."

He smiled when she repeated his own words back to him. "Once we start this there's no turning back."

"I know." She smiled and wrapped her arms around him before kissing his neck. Making her way up to his ear she whispered. "Make love to me." Then sucked on his earlobe.

Wrapping one arm around her waist and placing the other on her back, he slid her down until she was laying on her back before placing kisses on her chest and neck. No matter how many times he'd touched her, kissed her, made love to her, it was just like the first time. He grew to love this woman more and more every day, and that was something he couldn't imagine ever-changing.

**Two And A Half Months Later...**

"It appears your suspicions were correct." The Doctor said with a smile. "You're pregnant."

Chakotay squeezed her hand joyfully, then she looked up at him and smiled before returning her attention to the Doctor. "Can you tell what it is yet?" She asked. Chakotay didn't really want to know, but now he was just thrilled to know they were going to have a baby to care.

"It's a girl."

"A girl." She said in awe and looked up at Chakotay. "Did you hear that?" She asked excitedly.

"Yes Kathryn, we're going to have a girl." He replied before she pulled him down and kissed him.

The Doctor took a step back feeling a little uncomfortable. It was rare to see them display their affection for each other in public. "Uh-hum." He said clearing his holographic throat and they parted.

"Sorry Doctor," Janeway began embarrassed. "I guess I got a little carried away."

"That's quite all right Captain, I understand." He said giving her a reassuring smile. "You're in perfect health, but I'm sure you realize that for the duration of your pregnancy you'll have to cut back to one cup of coffee a day."

She looked disgusted. "Don't remind me."

"Remember Kathryn, we both have to make sacrifices," Chakotay said.

She stared up at him and raised a questioning eyebrow. "Oh? And what kind of sacrifice do you have to make?"

"My sanity." He replied with a bemused smile and she pushed him away from her.

The Doctor smiled in amusement as he watched this rare display of affection. She slid off the bio-bed and asked. "Can I go back to the bridge now?"

"Of course, but I want to see you here on Monday morning of next week."

"Yes, Doctor." She replied before turning to leave, giving Chakotay a warning glare on her way out."

"Good luck Commander." The Doctor called out.

"Thanks, I have a feeling I'm going to need it." He replied and followed her out.

As the doors closed, he said. "I don't doubt that." Before heading back to his office to study the scans he'd just taken in further detail.

**Six Months Later...**

Sitting at the desk in her ready room, Janeway slapped the off button on the desktop monitor in irritation and stood up. Heading toward the row of windows the door chime sounded. "Yes." She snapped as she turned to see it was Chakotay. Stepping inside, he saw her pacing. Laying down the data padd on her desk, he approached. "You seem more restless than usual."

"I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin." She replied agitated.

Taking her hand, he made her stand still. "Tell me what's bothering you, Kathryn."

She sighed and tried to remind herself that he was just concerned. "Everything."

"Can you be a little more specific?"

"I don't know how else to explain it. I can't concentrate on anything, all this sitting is hurting my back, I'd kill for another cup of coffee, and as much as I care for Neelix he's driving me crazy. Every hour on the hour he calls me to see if I need anything. I know he's only concerned but if he doesn't stop, I'm going to have to kill him right after I delete the Doctor's program. Do you know what he said this morning? He said I need to gain five more pounds as if I'm not fat enough already. On top of all that, you don't touch me anymore."

Taking her by the shoulders he replied seriously. "I have tried to touch you, but every time I do you pull away from me. I've wanted to make love to you for the last three months, and you've been so self-conscious about your body that I haven't pushed the issue, maybe I should have." Placing a hand on the obvious curve of her stomach he continued. "And for the record, you're not fat, you're pregnant, there's a difference." He sighed and said. "You've been working too hard lately. Why don't you take the rest of the day off to relax and I'll talk to Neelix and the Doctor.”

Shaking her head, she replied. "I can't, I've got too much work to do."

"Kathryn, you need a break, there's nothing I can't finish or that can't wait until tomorrow. You've been on the go for the last few months without taking any personal time."

Letting out a sigh she placed a hand on his chest. "I have been feeling pretty restless lately. I haven't run my Di Vinci simulation in a while, perhaps I'll pay the maestro a visit and do a little sculpting."

Giving her a kiss, he replied. "That's my girl." She smiled. "Tonight, I'll have dinner waiting for you, say around nineteen hundred?"

"Sounds great."

Rubbing her stomach, he said. "I'll see both of you then."

Smiling, she gave him another kiss before heading out the door.

***

Standing in front of the door to the holodeck one Janeway ordered. "Computer, activate Di Vinci simulation."

The computer beeped then replied. _"You may enter when ready."_

Activating the door, she could see the workshop. Stepping inside, the scene changed. It was her bedroom on Voyager. Confused she tapped her com. badge. "Janeway to Torres."

"I'm afraid that won't help Captain." She spun around to see Ensign Randy Foster. 

Backing up, she tried her com. badge again. "Janeway to Chakotay."

"Chakotay huh?" He said with an evil grin. "He can't help you. In fact, the moment you activated this program and stepped inside, your com badge was deactivated along with any verbal commands. No one even knows there's anything wrong until they attempt to contact you, but that won't be for a few hours yet. Am I correct?" Silence was her response. "You choose not to answer, that's a mistake." Then for the first time, he noticed she was pregnant. "Is it mine?" He asked gesturing to her stomach. She didn't reply. "Well?" He demanded.

"No." She answered finally able to get her vocal cords working.

"It's his, isn't it? Chakotay's." He asked angrily.

"Yes."

His face contorted in anger. "How could you betray me like this? How could you let him put his hands on you after all we've shared together? I gave you my heart and this is how you repay me?"

Forcing herself to push her fear aside she replied. "I never asked for your heart."

"I don't care!" He shouted. "You belong to me Kathryn, and if I can't have you then I sure as hell won't let him have you either."

Perhaps it was her maternal instincts, or just the will to survive, but she wasn't about to let him touch her. Grabbing a figurine from the shelf behind her, she threw it at him. Hitting him on the forehead he stumbled back dazed. That was when she ran out of the room and into the corridor.

Looking both ways, she decided to head for the Jefferies tubes instead of using the turbolift. It was obvious that he had control over the program, she didn't want to get stuck in the lift and be left to his mercy. If she could get to the controls to the holodeck, she could deactivate the program and leave. She knew that he had more than likely sealed the door, so calling for the arch wouldn't do any good since he deactivated her voice commands.

Opening the hatch, she crawled inside and closed it behind her. Crawling on her hands and knees, she was beginning to feel worn out after about twenty feet. A voice erupted over the internal com. system. _"I must admit you surprise me, Kathryn. I assure you I'll be ready for the next time we meet, and we will meet, you can count on it."_ He said sounding a little amused.

Fear made her pick up the pace despite how tired she was. Reaching the juncture, she crawled out and stood up. Putting a hand on the ladder she took a moment to catch her breath before making the descent to engineering. If she remembered right, the holodeck controls should be there. _"Come out come out wherever you are."_ He said over the com. system. _"There's no point in running Kathryn. It's only a matter of time before I find you."_ Opening the hatch, she begins climbing down. _"I would never harm you; I was just upset. The thought of you being with him tends to make me go a little crazy. I know you were lonely, and I forgive you. We can talk about it, work it out. I'll even allow Chakotay to see his child. What do you say we put this behind us and start over?"_

Continuing to climb down, she would have to pass six more decks before she reached deck eleven. The sound of his voice terrified her, but she had to protect her baby from him, nothing else mattered. Her unborn daughter was relying on her, and she wasn't about to let anything happen to her. Reaching deck nine, she attempted to open the hatch below her, but it wouldn't budge.

His voice erupted over the com. again. _"Jammed hatches are a bitch to open."_ Her eyes widened in horror when she realized he knew exactly where she was. The door above her slid shut. Turning to face the three hatches leading out he spoke again. _"Which will it be? Door number one, door number two, or door number three?"_ He was behind one of the hatches but which one? He had to have known exactly where she was all this time but pretended to play ignorant to give her a false sense of security. _"Come on Kathryn, you have to make a decision."_ She thought in panic.

Taking a deep breath, she opened the hatch on her left. Looking inside, he was nowhere in sight. Giving a sigh of relief, she crawled into the tube and closed it behind her. Halfway down, she heard it open. Looking back, he was crawling in after her. Quickening the pace, she headed for the hatch in front of her. "Too much strenuous activity isn't good for the baby." He called behind her.

He was right about that. She was already beginning to feel a little light-headed, but there was no way she was going to slow down until she got some distance between them. Reaching the hatch, her fingers fumbled over the controls as she tried to catch her breath. She could hear him gaining on her, but she wouldn't turn to look, there was no time for that. Finally, the door opened, and she crawled out. Closing it, she locked it from the other side before accessing the ladder and opening the hatch beneath her feet.

Just as she began her descent, she could hear him attempting to open the hatch. Focusing her attention on the situation at hand, she resumed climbing down. When she reached deck eleven, she could hear the hatch on deck nine open. Turning, she quickly opened the hatch in front of her then crawled inside and closed it behind her. Taking a second, she locked it before resuming her crawl through the Jefferies tube. Reaching the other side, she opened the hatch and was rewarded with the site of the corridor on the other side.

Crawling out, she closed the hatch and locked it before turning around to head for engineering when she felt her heart stop. Right there at the end of the corridor stood Randy Foster. "I'm almost beginning to think you don't like me." He said trying to sound hurt before laughing.

 _"His hologram is just as insane as he was."_ She thought before turning around and ran down the corridor. Her lungs were burning, not to mention the sharp pain in her side from all the crawling and running she'd been doing. She was getting more and more light-headed with every step, if she didn't stop soon, she would pass out from oxygen debt. The blood in her ears was pounding so hard she couldn't hear if he were behind her. She decided it was worth taking a quick look, she had to know.

Slowing down just a bit she looked over her shoulder and he wasn't there. Stopping, she headed into the first door she stumbled across, the equipment storage locker. Leaning against the wall, she took off her com. badge. Wiping her hands on her slacks to rid some of the perspiration, she looked around for something she could use to program her com. badge to emit a homing signal. She had to let someone know she was in trouble. Finally, she spotted a box of monofilament receptacles.

Opening the box, her fingers fumbled to grasp one but couldn't, her hands were shaking too bad. Forcing herself to relax, she eventually grasped one. Removing the cover of the com. badge, she concentrated on activating the signal. Once that was done, she replaced the cover and put the com. badge back on her chest. Giving herself a couple of minutes to rest, she grabbed a duranium pipe then opened the door.


	8. Chapter 8

"Commander," Tuvok began from his station. "I am detecting a federation homing signal."

"Source." He asked standing.

"It is originating from holodeck one."

Chakotay furrowed his brow in puzzlement, distorting the distinctive tattoo he wore on his temple. _"Kathryn's in holodeck one."_ He thought then tapped his com. badge. "Chakotay to Janeway." No response. "Chakotay to Janeway please respond." He looked up and said. "Tuvok."

Knowing what he meant, he tapped his com. badge while heading for the turbolift. "Tuvok to security. Send a team to holodeck one. I am on my way."

 _"Aye, sir."_ Came a male voice.

Chakotay followed him into the lift and said. "Paris you have the bridge."

***

Peering around the door, she couldn't see him anywhere, but that didn't mean he wasn't waiting for her. Carefully she made her way down the corridor toward engineering. She hadn't been this paranoid since last year, and it was a feeling she had hoped to never feel again. Turning the corner, the lights went out. She froze, holding the pipe tightly in her hands.

 _"I hope you're not afraid of the dark Kathryn."_ He said over the com. and laughed.

What she wouldn't give for a compression phaser rifle right about now, or a type two phasor would do in a pinch. Putting out a hand, she found the wall and began moving slowly down the corridor. Finding the indention of a door, she searched the wall for the access panel. When she touched it, it lit up. Opening the door, she stepped into another pitch-black room. Moving her hand along the wall, she was trying to find an access panel, a console, a piece of equipment that might be helpful. Something that would give her a clue as to where she was.

After a couple of feet, she bumped into what appeared to be a large piece of equipment, but she couldn't tell what it was. _"Add wrist beacon to the list of needed items."_ She thought. As her hand ran over the object, the sound of the door opening caused the breath to catch in her throat. Slowly she turned and backed up against the wall. Gripping the pipe, she raised it and waited as the figure stepped into the room.

***

Two security guards were already outside the holodeck trying to override the door lockout when Tuvok and Chakotay approached. "What's the problem?" Chakotay asked.

"It's the door, sir. The lock has been scrambled; I can't open it." Crewman Thompson answered.

"Step aside Crewman," Tuvok ordered as both Crewman Thompson and Kennedy stepped back. Moving in front of the panel, he attempted to break the encryption with no success. Seeing no other alternative, and due to the limited amount of time they had, he took a few steps back and pulled his phaser. Firing, sparks flew from the panel and the door opened. It was pitch black on the other side. Before Chakotay could ask, Kennedy, handed him a wrist beacon and a phaser. "I have to hand it to you Tuvok, you've trained your security teams well."

"Indeed," Tuvok replied before snapping on his wrist beacon and pulled out a tricorder before stepping inside. Chakotay did the same before following.  
Thompson and Kennedy brought up the rear. "Crewman Thompson and Kennedy, make your way to the holographic engineering and shut down the program while the Commander and I continue to search for the Captain."

"Yes, sir." They replied before splitting off.

After a couple of meters, they had lost the homing signal. "Tuvok, have you lost the signal?"

"Yes Commander, however, I am detecting a scattering field, it is distorting my readings."

"Same here. Looks like we're going to have to do this the hard way." Tapping his com badge, he said. "Chakotay to security team."

_"Thompson here sir."_

"We've just run into a scattering field and lost the homing signal. I want both of you to continue to head for engineering, but I also want you to keep a lookout for the Captain."

_"Yes sir, Thompson out."_

***

Kathryn continued to listen as she pressed herself against the wall. She could hear him touching things. The walls, a console, then she felt his boot touch hers, she nearly shouted. Then he removed his foot and touched the large piece of equipment next to her. She could almost make out his shape in the dark. She saw him move; he was less than two feet away. Pulling back the pipe, she swung.

***

"I never noticed how spooky this place could be in the dark," Kennedy commented as they turned the corner on deck eleven.

"Don't tell me you're scared Steve," Thompson replied holding up his arm to shine the light from one wall to the other.

"No, I'm not. All I'm saying is this place can look pretty spooky with all the lights out." He explained.

"Remind me after we get out of here to replicate you a teddy bear." Thompson teased.

"Have I ever told you how funny you are Dave?" He replied sarcastically.

Suddenly there was a loud crash. Immediately they headed toward it, phasors extended. Stopping in front of the door, they took up positions on either side. Activating the door, it opened, and Thompson burst into the room, Kennedy just behind him. Shining his light around the room, Thompson saw a mineral processor with a huge dent in the side before looking down. It was a black boot and black pants. Walking around the machine, he raised the beacon and saw Captain Janeway sitting on the floor. In one hand, she clutched a metal pipe, her hands shook uncontrollably, breathing heavily. "Captain?" He asked lowering the beacon so he wouldn't blind her.

Raising the pipe, she looked up to see a figure standing over her. "Who are you?"

"Crewman Thompson and Kennedy ma'am. We received your homing signal. Commander Tuvok and Chakotay are here looking for you as well. Are you injured?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Let me help you up." He offered, extending his hand. Taking it, he helped her to her feet.

Kennedy tapped his com. badge. "Kennedy to Tuvok." Nothing. "Kennedy to Chakotay." No response.

"He must have disabled your com. badges." Janeway explained.

"Who ma'am?" Thompson asked.

"Ensign Foster."

"What?" Kennedy said in shock. "But that's impossible, he's been dead for more than a year."

"It's a holographic representation of Foster, and if he knows Chakotay's here, he's in danger. We have to get to engineering and shut down the program." She said before heading out the door with Thompson and Kennedy right behind her.

***

"It looks like we're going to have to take the Jefferies tubes," Chakotay said. "I can't get the lift to work."

"It appears you are correct." Tuvok agreed. "If we follow this corridor, it will take us to an access hatch where we can use the ladder to descend to deck eleven. Providing that this replica of Voyager is correct."

"It can't hurt to take a look," Chakotay replied and reopened his tricorder as they proceeded down the corridor.

"Have you had any progress in disabling the scattering field?" Tuvok asked.

"Not yet, but I haven't given up. I just need to find the right modulation to cut through. How about you?"

"My attempts have also been unproductive."

"I wonder what's happened to Kennedy and Thompson. We should have heard back from them by now." Chakotay commented.

"I have been detecting a steady increase in the scattering field’s strength. Therefore, it is reasonable to assume that they have attempted to make contact but have failed." Tuvok replied.

"Sounds reasonable, but I don't have to like it." He replied opening the hatch. "After you Tuvok." He said before gesturing toward the opening. Crawling inside, Chakotay followed and closed the hatch behind him. "I've been wondering since we first entered the holodeck why this program is running. When the Captain came here, she was planning on running her Di Vinci simulation, so how did she end up here?"

"That is a perfectly logical question Commander. I suspect we will discover the answer once the program has been terminated." Tuvok replied.

"I just hope she's all right. In her condition, it's not safe for her to be stumbling around in the dark."

"We are in agreement. However, I am confident that the Captain will be able to take care of herself until we deactivate the program."

Chakotay hoped he was right, but this whole situation unnerved him. Silently he prayed that she was safe and that perhaps Thompson and Kennedy had found her.

***

Pulling out his extra phaser and wrist beacon Thompson said. "Captain, perhaps this would be better than that pipe." Then offered them to her.

Taking them, she leaned the pipe against the wall. "Thank you, Mister Thompson." She said snapping on the wrist beacon. Holding the phaser in the hand of her beacon, she picked up the pipe and carried it in her left hand.

"Captain, if you don't mind my asking, why are you keeping the pipe?"

"You said that Tuvok detected a scattering field correct?" He nodded. "So, it could be possible that our phasors may be rendered useless as well. If that happens, I don't want to be left without a weapon. It may be a good idea for us to head back to the equipment locker down the corridor and get the two of you one of these as well."

"Yes, Captain." Over the last seven years, he's served under her command, this woman never ceased to surprise him. _"Now why didn't I think of it?"_ He thought following her.

***

"I can't get this hatch open. It's stuck." Chakotay said, his voice straining as he pulled on the magnetic disk.

"Perhaps I may be able to open it. As a Vulcan, I do possess superior strength to that of a human." He stated.

If Chakotay didn't know that he was merely stating facts, he might have thought he was bragging. "All right." He replied.

Space was small, and with two large men, it took some careful maneuvering to switch places. Tuvok pulled on the disk once, then twice. On the third, it slid open. Removing the disk, he held it in his hand as they crawled below, Tuvok stepped onto the ladder and descended with Chakotay right behind him. Four more decks and they'd be on deck eleven. Then all they'd have to do was reach engineering and deactivate the program, but he had no choice but to take this one step at a time. They had to pass many obstacles just to make it this far.

On deck three they ran into a sealed hatch and no matter what they tried it wouldn't open. Eventually, they had no choice but to backtrack and find another juncture. Then on deck five the air in the tube once they opened the hatch had been expelled, forcing them to backtrack once again. On deck seven a jammed hatch. If Tuvok hadn't of been with him he might have been forced to backtrack a third time.

Placing his foot on the next rung it slipped along with his handhold. It was as if someone had coated the rungs in grease. He fell but stopped suddenly as Tuvok reached out just in time to grab the sleeve of his jacket. Grunting, he pulled him back over to the rail. He attempted to grab on to it, but his hand and feet kept slipping, making it impossible to get a hold. "I can't grab it. My hand and feet keep slipping."

"Here goes nothing." He commented then reached up to grab the back of his uniform, but he couldn't get a grip. His hand kept sliding over the material. Just as he was about to inform Tuvok, he could feel himself sliding from his grasp. There was a loud rip as the sleeve of his jacket gave way and fell to the ground. Upon impact, there was a distinct crunch that could only indicate one thing, a broken bone.

Letting out an involuntary cry, Chakotay clutched his left leg as Tuvok hurried down the ladder. Leaning over him, he grasped his leg gently to check. There was no doubt about it, his leg was broken. "I am not a physician, but it appears you have broken your tibia bone, not to mention tearing the ligaments in that section. It appears you have no choice but to remain here until I have deactivated the program."

"Like hell, I'm going with you." He replied, determined to get up.

Placing a hand on his shoulder he prevented him from standing. "That would not be wise Commander. There is no point in causing yourself further injury. The logical conclusion would be for me to continue alone."

"To hell with logic." He spat back painfully. "My wife is stuck in here somewhere and I refuse to sit idly by doing nothing."

"I am aware of the situation Commander, but even you must realize that in your present condition you can be of help to no one. Allow me to continue while you rest."

No matter how frustrating it was, he knew he was right. "You win Tuvok. Go on without me, I'll wait here." Before opening the hatch to continue his descent, he helped Chakotay over to the wall for him to rest in a more comfortable position. "While you're gone, I'll see what I can do to counteract the scattering field." Giving him a nod, Tuvok climbed down the ladder.

***

Stepping into engineering; Janeway, Thompson, and Kennedy scanned the room with their eyes as they made their way to the access panel. Removing the cover, Thompson laid it aside before stepping away to give her access to the controls. As she worked, both men continued to study the room.

"Damn." She said frustrated.

"What is it?" Kennedy asked.

"The program controls have been encrypted. I should have expected as much considering who we're dealing with."

"What can we do to help?" Thompson asked.

Before she could answer, the door slid open. Turning around, she aimed her phaser at the figure along with them as it approached. Both hands raised, Tuvok came into view. All three gave a sigh of relief. "You don't know how relieved I am to see you Tuvok," Janeway said lowering her phaser then asked. "Where's Chakotay?"

"He was injured. I had no choice but to leave him in the Jefferies tube while I made my way to engineering."

"Is he all right?" She asked, trying to keep the panic from filtering into her voice.

"Yes Captain, he has suffered a broken leg but he will recover. Have you been able to access the program?"

"No, it's been encrypted."

He nodded. "Perhaps I may be able to help."

"All right." She replied stepping to the side just enough to allow him access as well. When he was next to her, he reached out and grabbed her by the throat. Immediately her hands flew to her neck and attempted to release his grip.

Right before their eyes, he changed into Foster. "I'm disappointed at how easy it was to capture you. I expected better from you." Both men raised their phasors and fired, nothing happened. Dropping them, they lifted their pipes and stepped forward. Foster's head snapped to the side with a serious expression. "I wouldn't if I were you. I could snap her neck easily."

"Let her go Randy," Thompson said. "There's no reason to do this, you've won."

"What have I won Dave? The ability to live as a hologram. I gave her my heart and she threw it back at me after everything I've given her. She betrayed me."

"How could she betray you when she doesn't belong to you?" Kennedy asked. "I don't understand where you got the impression she ever did. Like it or not, she doesn't love you, will never love you. At some point, you're going to have to accept that. This has gone too far already."

"You don't understand Steve. She's the only woman I've ever really loved."

"Oh, I understand, but you don't hurt the people you love. You don't put them through hell because they don't feel the same way for you as you do for them. You've built up a relationship in your mind that doesn't exist, and you've hurt her in the process. You have to let this thing go, Randy, before you do something you'll regret."

Kennedy had been keeping Randy so occupied that neither of them saw Tuvok crawl out of the Jefferies tube and approach. Thompson made it a point not to divert his eyes so he wouldn't draw attention to him. From behind, Tuvok reached out and jerked his hand away from Janeway's throat. Foster turned to hit him and was slung into the panel before being pulled away again.

Chakotay's voice erupted over their com. badge. _"The scattering field is down."_

"Acknowledged," Tuvok replied pulling his phaser along with the others. Slinging him into the panel one final time, he let go and stepped back as all four fired. Destabilizing his matrix, he disappeared with a scream. Holstering his phaser, Tuvok approached Janeway and asked. "Are you all right Captain?"

"I'm fine Tuvok, a little tired maybe, but otherwise all right." The program ended and the holodeck grid appeared. Immediately she went to Chakotay.

"Kathryn." He said painfully.

She knelt beside him and placed a hand on his chest. "I'm right here Chakotay."

Tapping his com. badge Tuvok said. "Tuvok to the Doctor."

_"Yes, Commander?"_

"Commander Chakotay has broken his leg. We will be bringing him to sickbay."

_"Understood."_

"What happened to running the Di Vinci simulation?" Chakotay asked.

"I'll tell you all about it later, but first we need to get you to sickbay."


	9. Chapter 9

Sitting at the table finishing dinner; Chakotay stretched out his leg while Kathryn sat across from him. "It doesn't surprise me that Foster would try to find a way to hurt you even after his death." He said.

"Or you. It's a good bet he was responsible for breaking your leg. How is your leg by the way?"

"A little stiff. The Doctor says the muscles will be sore for a few days, but other than that I'm fine."

She smiled. "Good." Standing up, she walked over to him and ran her hand over his hair.

Wrapping his arms around her, he rested his head against the swell of her stomach as she continued to stroke his head and back. "I don't know what I'd do without you." He said then pulled back to look up at her. "I love you."

Smiling, she stroked his cheek with her fingers. "I love you too." Drawing back his leg, he led her to stand in front of him before tugging her down. "Your leg?"

"It'll be fine." He encouraged.

Straddling him, she wrapped her arms around his neck. Drawing her close, he kissed her slowly and gently. His hand reached down to lift her shirt. Grabbing his hand, she held it and pulled back. "Let me touch you." He said looking into her eyes. She was hesitant, and he knew she was being self-conscious about her body. "I love your body and I want to see it. Please, Kathryn." After several moments she nodded and allowed him to pull the shirt over her head. Dropping it to the floor, he ran his hand across her stomach before reaching around the unclasp her bra. Sliding the straps from her shoulders, he pulled it off before leaning forward to take her nipple into his mouth, sucking it gently. She moaned; her head fell back as she held his head in her hands. Leaving her breast, he kissed his way to her neck as his hand reached up to caress the breast his mouth had abandoned. After several minutes, his hand slid down her body and into her pants. She gasped in pleasure at the contact. Stroking her, he whispered. "I want to make love to you. Do you want me to?"

"Yes." She whispered before he resumed kissing her neck.

As her breathing became increasingly labored, he had to force himself to stop before she came. "I need to be inside you, Kathryn." Kissing him, she stood up. Hurriedly, he pulled down her pants and panties as she reached down to unfasten his pants. Stepping out of them, he discarded his own pants and underwear before pulling off his shirt. Taking her hips, he urged her back to him. Straddling him once again, she took him in her hand and guided him, inside her. A soft moan escaped her lips as he entered.

Rocking her hips, her toes barely brushed the carpet beneath her. Holding her bottom he began moving within her, enjoying the feel of her surrounding him, as she urged him toward release. She could feel her orgasm building until it exploded. Gripping her shoulders, she tossed her head back as a cry escaped her lips. Quickening the pace, he thrust into her as she cried out his name. "Chakotay! Don't stop!"

With her muscles contracting around him, it wasn't long before he joined her. Squeezing her bottom, he came as he continued to thrust sporadically into her. "Ahh! Kathryn!" He cried. Wrapping an arm around her he reached between them and stroked her. It didn't happen often, but she had multiple orgasms.

Gripping his shoulders, she bit her lip as the orgasm grew in intensity. Her legs clamped him to the chair as she reached her peak. He watched her face as he continued to manipulate her, and she let out another cry. It sounded different this time, more like a deep-throated animalistic growl, he never knew she could make such a sound.

"Stop . . . it's too much." She gasped out as she began to fall back. Removing his hand, he quickly put both on her back, holding her up. Her body continued to shutter for several seconds before a moan escaped her lips and she leaned forward and rested against his shoulder.

He caressed her back while she recovered. "Are you all right honey?" He asked and all she could do was nod; now she didn't have the strength to do much else. Wrapping her right arm around his neck, he got a good grip on her thighs and carefully stood up. She lay lifeless against him. Her left arm hung limp at her side while her right hung just as limp over his shoulder. Walking into the bedroom, he bent his knees at the foot of the bed and sat her down before sliding his hands up her back and laid her gently on the bed. That was when he noticed she was asleep.

Smiling at her, he retrieved a nightgown and panties from the closet then carefully dressed her. Pulling down the blanket, he picked her up and laid her down on her side of the bed before tucking her in. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he smiled while stroking her cheek with his thumb. "God, I love you, Kathryn. I can't remember a day before you came into my life." He whispered. Sliding his hand across her shoulder and down her arm, he placed it gently on her swollen stomach. "Now you're carrying our daughter in your womb. It feels as though all my dreams have finally come true. On this night, between a sea of unfamiliar stars, I make this oath to you. No matter where we go, what we do, I will protect and love you and our daughter all the days of my life. This I vow before you and the spirits of our ancestors." Leaning down, he kissed her forehead before standing up to kiss her stomach. Without another word, he quietly left the room.

**Three Months Later...**

Laying back in the bathtub, Kathryn closed her eyes and tried to relax. She'd been having cramps on and off for the last few days, making it impossible to stay focused on anything for long. Any time now Chakotay would be returning home for a sixteen-hour shift on the bridge. With her out of commission for the last month, he's had to pick up the slack, but he didn't seem to care. Sleep or no sleep, he was thrilled that at any moment he was going to be a father.

She really had him excited two weeks ago when they thought she was going into labor, but it turned out to be false. He had stayed up half the night with her when they got home, trying anything and everything to make her comfortable. She felt like she was having the worst cramps of her life, what made it worse was that she couldn't take anything for it, just endure it until the pain subsided.

He had run a bath for her to ease the pain as he rubbed her back and stomach. It did help some, but by the time she got out of the tub she was shriveled like a prune, but the pain had receded to a dull ache.

As they laid in bed, she kept tossing and turning, trying to find a comfortable position. Finally, she sat up. Taking her pillow, she put it in front of her and leaned on it. The pressure helped take the edge off as Chakotay moved behind her and began massaging her lower back. About an hour later the pain went away and she was able to finally get to sleep. She felt sorry for him knowing that he had to be back on the bridge in four hours, but he never complained. He seemed to possess an inexhaustible well of energy when she, on the other hand, was perpetually exhausted.

Just as she was about to drift off to sleep the door opened. Opening her eyes, she could hear him entering the bedroom before stepping into the doorway. "Hey there." He said with a smile. Heading toward her, he took a seat on the edge of the tub.

She smiled back wearily. "How was your shift?"

"Boring, as usual, I'm happy to say." Then he took on a concerned expression as he tilted her chin up to study her face. "Are you all right? You don't look so good."

"I'm just a little tired."

"Have you been having any pain?"

"Off and on. I thought a bath might help."

"How off and on are we talking here?"

"I don't know, maybe an hour, maybe less."

"Have you told the Doctor?"

"I didn't see the point. My water hasn't broken yet, I'm fine."

"I'd feel better if we paid a visit to sickbay."

"Chakotay I'm tired, and I don't feel like going anywhere. When we have a good reason to go I will." She replied agitated.

"I'm not going to debate this with you. We're going." He said extending his hand.

She sighed. "Oh, all right." Grabbing his forearm, he gripped hers in return and began pulling her up but stopped when she sat back down holding her stomach.

"What is it? What's wrong?" He questioned worriedly.

"I'm not sure, but I think my water just broke." Then after a couple of seconds, the cramping started. "We need to get to sickbay." She said trying to ignore the pain and not doing a particularly good job of it.

Pulling her up, he helped her out of the tub then wrapped her in a towel before leading her into the bedroom and sitting her down on the bed. Helping her get dressed, he had to keep calm every time she slapped at him in irritation, she was in pain after all. That done, he pulled her to her feet then led her out of their quarters.

In the corridor, he slapped his com. badge. "Chakotay to sickbay."

 _"Go ahead, Commander."_ The Doctor said.

"It's time, we're on our way to sickbay now."

_"I'll be expecting you, Doctor out."_

***

During the next twelve hours, he was amazed by her restraint. Even when the pain grew increasingly worse, she managed to keep from yelling at him as he hovered over her. He knew she could only take so much before she'd lose patience with him, so he did his best to give her some space. Every time she grunted in pain, he wanted to go to her but had to fight back the urge.

Crying out, she reached out for him and he sprang to his feet and took her hand. It scared the hell out of him. Over the last twelve hours, she had moaned, groaned, and grunted, but never cried out. The Doctor entered the room upon hearing it and pulled out a medical tricorder. Scanning her, he called out to Paris. "What is it? Is something wrong?" Chakotay demanded.

"Don't panic Commander, it's not good for the patient." The Doctor replied.

"To hell with that. If there's something wrong I need to know. This is my wife we're talking about here not some stranger."

"The baby's turned."

"It's supposed to do that."

"You didn't let me finish. She's attempting to come out feet first. I'm going to try turning her."

"Why don't you just transport her out?"

"I may have to, but if I do it could cause an imbalance in her cerebellum. It's much safer to try this first, so I'm going to need your help. When I'm ready, you and Mister Paris are going to have to hold her down until I get the baby turned. It's going to hurt, I won't lie to you about that, but you need to stay focused. Can you do that?" He nodded. "Then let's get this done as quickly as possible."

Taking up their positions, the Doctor quickly explained to her what he was about to do and gave her a second to prepare before reaching inside. She screamed and nearly came off the table. Seeing her like this brought tears to his eyes. It felt as if his heart were being wrenched from his chest every time she cried out. He was about to tell him to stop when he heard him say, "I'm finished, you can let go of her now."

Paris let go to join the Doctor as Chakotay held her hand while wiping the tears from her eyes. "Kathryn, can you hear me?"

"Yes." She rasped then opened her eyes to look at him. "I don't want to do this anymore." She looked so weak, her hair and skin soaked in sweat.

"I know," He replied stroking her cheek. "But you're almost past the hard part. Just try to hang on a little longer. This will all be over soon." Leaning over her he looked into her eyes. "I love you, Kathryn, always remember that."

She nodded. "Would you do something for me?"

"Anything."

"Kiss me."

Stroking her cheek, he kissed her softly, and at that moment he didn't think it was possible to fall deeper in love with her, but he did. Pulling back, he looked into her eyes just as she did his. Time seemed to come to a stop. Then they were both returned to the present when she leaned forward and let out a cry.

"It's time Commander." The Doctor said. Taking his position, he held her hand and stretched his arm across her back to help her sit up. "Push Captain."

Leaning forward she bared down as hard as she could before falling back to rest. When she felt another urge to push, she leaned forward and bared down, gripping Chakotay's hand as she groaned from the strain. It felt like hours had passed before the baby slid free.

Falling back exhausted she closed her eyes, breathing heavily. Then after a couple of seconds, she heard her crying. "Congratulations, you have a healthy baby girl." The Doctor said, but his voice was becoming distant. "She's hemorrhaging." She heard him say.

"We're losing her," Tom said.

As the voices continued to fade, the last sound she heard was Chakotay's panic-stricken voice. "Don't you die on me, Kathryn! KATHRYN!"

The pain was gone. Opening her eyes, she was surrounded in white light. Looking around she saw a figure approaching, it was her father. "Daddy?" She questioned.

"Yes, Kathryn."

"Where am I?"

"The void." He answered. "Think of it as a waiting room for the afterlife."

"Are you saying that I'm dead?"

"Not yet, but you will be if you don't return soon. It's not your time yet."

"How do I know you're really my father and not the alien I encountered four years ago?"

He smiled. "That's a very good question golden bird, but it feels different this time doesn't it?"

In her heart, she knew he was right. Unlike the last time when she was looking down at Chakotay as he leaned over her body, she didn't feel disjointed, but this time she did. It was the truth, she was dead. "Oh, Daddy." She whispered before stepping into his open arms. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too."

"There are so many things I want to tell you."

"I already know."

"You do?" She asked pulling back.

He nodded. "I've been watching you over the years, and you've grown up to be a beautiful and intelligent woman. Not to mention one hell of an officer. I'm enormously proud of you Kathryn." Her eyes filled with tears. "Don't cry golden bird, we'll see each other again. Besides, you still have a daughter to raise and a husband who needs and adores you. You have to go back, but there's someone who'd like to meet you first." He said then looked over her shoulder. Turning around, she saw a man approach.

"I can see now that my son's description of you was not exaggerated." He said coming into view.

She stepped forward and extended her hand and he took it. "It's an honor to meet you, sir. Chakotay's told me quite a bit about you."

He smiled. "Well, I guess that makes us even." She smiled. "Would you do me the honor of allowing your father-in-law to hug his beautiful daughter-in-law?"

"The honor is mine." She replied still smiling.

Hugging her he said. "I know you will take good care of my son and grand-daughter. He has chosen a good woman to be his wife."

"Thank you."

Pulling back, he smiled. "It is time for you to go."

"How?"

"Close your eyes, Kathryn." Her father said placing a hand on her shoulder. Turning around, she wanted to see him one last time. As if he could tell what she was thinking he continued. "We'll see each other again golden bird when it's time. Now, close your eyes." Reluctantly she did. "I'll always be with you, Kathryn."

A dull ache filled her abdomen as a moan escaped her lips.

"Kathryn."

"How's the baby?" She asked opening her eyes.

"Sleeping. I can't wait for you to see her, she's perfect."

She smiled wearily. "I was dead, wasn't I?"

"Yes."

"How long?"

"Maybe twenty seconds. You gave us all a rather good scare." He replied stroking her cheek with his thumb. "But that's over now."

"I saw my father. He kept telling me it wasn't my time yet. Then before I was brought back, I met yours."

His eyes widened in surprise. "What did he say to you?"

"That you made a good choice when choosing me as your wife." She answered with a tired smile. "He's a delightful man Chakotay."

"Yes, he is." He replied. Later he would go on a vision quest and speak with him, find out what his first impression of her was, and tell him about his daughter even though he was sure he already knew.

"Captain, I'm glad to see you're awake." The Doctor said stepping into the room. "How do you feel?"

"Tired and in pain."

"That's to be expected. In a couple of days, the pain will be gone." He approached holding a bundle in his arms. "It appears that someone's hungry. Do you feel well enough?" She nodded. Carefully he placed the baby in her arms.

Holding her daughter for the first time, she almost broke down crying, matching her daughters. When the Doctor left the room, he closed the curtain to give them some privacy. "Would you unsnap my gown?" She asked and he obeyed. Pulling it down, she uncovered her right breast and guided the nipple into the baby's mouth. When she began to suck, pain shot through her breast, nearly making her pull away. She knew it would be uncomfortable, even painful, but over time she would become accustomed to it.

Chakotay continued to stare down at his daughter while she nursed. Then after a couple of minutes, he looked up at Kathryn and said. "She needs a name."

"I know, but I just can't decide."

"I thought we agreed on Elizabeth?"

"No, I don't want people calling her Lizzy."

"What about Jennifer? You seemed to like that one."

She shook her head. "People will call her Jenny or J.J."

"You know that's going to be the case with just about any name we come up with."

She sighed. "You're right."

"I wasn't going to suggest this name because I didn't think you'd like it, but what do you think of the name Anna?"

"Hmm. Anna Janeway." She said rolling it off her tongue. "It does have kind of a ring to it. Especially if there's a Captain at the beginning of it."

He laughed. "I'm sure she will if you have anything to say about it."

Looking down at her daughter she smiled and said. "Anna it is."

**One Month Later...**

In the bedroom, Kathryn and Chakotay lay on their sides facing each other as their daughter lay between them asleep, Anna's hand curled around her father's finger. She was dark-complected with long patches of black hair. Her eyes were a light blue with decidedly grey undertones, and when they were open, she had a wide-eyed interest in everything around her. She had inherited a lot of her looks from her father, but the eyes were hers.

Looking over to Chakotay she watched him smiling down at their daughter, softly laughing every time she squeezed his finger in her sleep. After a couple of minutes, he noticed her watching him out of the corner of his eye and looked over at her. She had a sad look in her eyes. Sliding his finger out of Anna's hand, he reached over and took Kathryn's. "What is it?"

"I'm scared."

"About what?" He asked concerned.

"Of not being a good mother."

"Listen to me. You're a great mother, you seem to know exactly what she wants before I can figure it out."

"That's not what I'm referring to."

"Then what are you referring to?" He asked a little puzzled.

"I'm the Captain of this ship, and therefore I won't be able to spend a lot of time with her. I'm going to miss out on all the important moments that only happen once in her life. Will I be there when she takes her first step or says her first word? Will I be there to see her first smile or hear her first laugh?" She asked as tears filled her eyes. "I want to be there, I don't want to miss anything, but I can't. I must get this crew home. I must sound so selfish."

"No, you don't, I've wondered the same thing. I want to be there too, but it's a sacrifice we must make. It's not a certainty that we'll miss all those moments, but unlikely that we'll be there for all of them. It's unfortunate that we can't take the time off to be here with her. I wish I could."

"So do I." She replied softly as she gazed down at her daughter.

"I love you, Kathryn." He said squeezing her hand.

Looking back up at him she smiled. "I love you too." Then squeezed his hand back. "What do you say we get some sleep?" He nodded. Both stood up. Reaching down, she picked Anna up and kissed her before laying her down in the crib and covering her up. Chakotay slipped his arms around her waist and rested his chin on her shoulder, gazing down at their daughter. "You know what?" He asked softly.

"What?"

"I think she's going to turn out to be just fine."

"You think so?" She replied with a sigh.

"I know so." He said then gave her a kiss on the temple.

"Did you learn that in a vision quest?"

"Partly, but mostly I know it in my heart. You're going to be a wonderful mother Kathryn, and my father agrees with me."

Turning in his arms she faced him and placed both hands on his chest. "He did?" Chakotay nodded. "Well, I suggest we get some sleep before Anna wakes up wanting to be fed."

"Ok." He replied, then kissed her softly before leading her to the bed.

Laying down, she laid her head on his shoulder, her hand resting on his chest. Wrapping his arm around her, he picked up the hand on his chest and held it over his heart before closing his eyes. Several seconds of silence passed, then she spoke softly. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Everything. If you weren't there for me, I'd probably be dead now."

"Perhaps, but you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for."

"I can still remember the last words B'Elanna said to me almost a year ago. It's what made me decide to go ahead and have a baby."

"What did she say?"

"She said that you wanted what they had, a baby that was a part of us. Something that would endure long after we're gone, bind us closer together. Until she met Tom, she didn't think those things were important. I thought they were, but I always assumed it would be my sister who got married and had children not me. All though I must say being married to you is not without its share of heartaches, but the rewards certainly make up for it.

"Now you've given me a beautiful daughter who not only frightens me but also fills me with indescribable bliss. Just having her has conjured up feelings and sensations I've never felt before. If I hadn't of given in, I would have missed it, and Anna wouldn't be with us today."

"I'm just happy that you changed your mind."

"As am I."

Silence fell upon them, but this time Kathryn didn't feel the need to speak. She had expressed her fears and concerns. As she closed her eyes breathing in Chakotay's scent, she only looked forward toward the future; and the past would remain exactly what it was, past.

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> Members, as well as guests, are free and able to leave comments on any of my work.


End file.
